AS SOON as one season finishes the coaches are already plotting how to improve the next season – and they often start with themselves.

We've enlisted the same North Korean tech-heads who hacked the Sony Pictures database, and we've paid them handsomely to gain unauthorised access to the coaches' online diaries – and now we can reveal their new year's resolutions.

What emerges is virtually a self-help guide for the men occupying the 18 hottest seats in the AFL.

ADELAIDE
Phil Walsh
We've got some ground to make up on the Power, and change starts at the top, so I'll try to psyche out Ken Hinkley. I've been reading about the art of mental disintegration in Steve Waugh's 4000-page autobiography and was surprised to learn that 'Tugga' has an anything-goes philosophy – the more demeaning the better. Kenny's in for some interesting times.

BRISBANE LIONS
Justin Leppitsch
Perform a delicate act of diplomacy: introduce high-priced recruits Dayne Beams and Allen Christensen to the midfield-forward mix without upsetting "The Mozzies" – Dayne Zorko, Lewie Taylor and Josh Green. And if the busy little buggers happen to become irritated, and irritating, don't reach for the Aerogard! 'Ave a good weekend.

CARLTON
Mick Malthouse
I vow to become cuddly Mick. For a start, I grew a full beard for Christmas so I could dress up as Santa for the grandkids. And now, at the club's request … I mean, of my own volition, I'll be doing all I can to change the public perception of me as Ebenezer Scrooge. That means developing a better relationship with the m-… the m-m-…. m-m-meed-…. This is going to take some serious re-programming. Bah, humbug.

Where's your club at this pre-season?

COLLINGWOOD
Nathan Buckley
Convince the footy world that our obvious aim is to make the finals but not being there wouldn't be catastrophic. In fact, it would be a pretty decent effort to make the eight with our young, dramatically evolved list … It won't fly, will it? 'Balmey' will have some ideas on how to spin it. 

ESSENDON
James Hird
There's an elephant in the room that's so big I've barely got enough space to tap the keys. The Black Keys. Hey, they're touring here in April. No, I'm not diverting – the two-piece, Ohio garage-rock band and the supplements saga are actually linked. These are Strange Times, and I certainly felt like a Lonely Boy during my year-long suspension. It was one Hell Of A Season. I figured: "I Gotta Get Away," so I studied overseas. When you're away it's easy to lose Your Touch, but I Got Mine. Things Ain't Like They Used to Be, but I've Just Got To Be myself. And hopefully when I'm done there will be Gold On The Ceiling again at Bomberland.

James Hird remains a firm fan favourite at Essendon despite a turbulent two years. Picture: AFL Media

FREMANTLE
Ross Lyon
People call me paranoid, but paranoia is good – just ask Mick. So I resolve to not reveal anything that could come back and bite me on the backside. Whether it be a little mozzie bite or a croc-crunch. I'm willing to publicly state the bleeding obvious: that I want to take the Dockers to their first flag, but I'm not prepared to divulge how we'll go about that. Although if you still have to ask about my methods, I'm not about to humour you with a history lesson.

GEELONG
Chris Scott
Have a coffee with my predecessor, 'Bomber' Thompson, and try to get him back here in some capacity – even as a freestyling footy psychologist. I'm prepared to risk disaster for a shot at another golden era. If nothing else, it'd be fun having Bomber around for entertainment value alone. From what I hear, Bomber's like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get. 

GOLD COAST
Rodney Eade
I've given myself the toughest assignment of my career: find out what makes Malcolm Blight tick. It's important that we jell as a coach and football director, so I'm reading Timmy Watson's book on Blighty, I'm studying his cryptic utterances from his coaching days, and I've enlisted Billy Brownless as a consultant. Billy's telling me stories that give great insights – the one about the pre-match address in the dark; the beach towel relaxation technique; banishing Austin McCrabb from the quarter-time huddle ...

Can Rocket decipher Blighty's code? He's certainly experienced enough. Picture: AFL Media

GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY
Leon Cameron
I'm risking some friendships at the Kennel so we'll do our best not to poach any more Bulldogs. Their skipper Ryan Griffen was the biggest one, prompting our humble media unit to gloat that we'd become the "Lost Dogs Home". After all, Griff joins a bunch of us who started out as Scraggers: our captain Callan Ward, Dylan Addison, my assistants Alan McConnell and Sam Reid, and myself. So we'll let sleeping Dogs lie – unless Libba wants a change of scenery. Or Bonti, or Macrae, or Stringer … 

HAWTHORN
Alastair Clarkson
We eat adversity for breakfast at Waverley. Last year we overcame the loss of Buddy, a series of injuries to key players, and even five weeks without yours truly. Let's take it to another level. We'll give every opponent a five-goal headstart, the choice of ends for each quarter (although that won't mean much under the roof at Etihad), and we'll surrender a goal each time Jack Gunston or Luke Breust miss a set shot. And we'll auction off the chance for 10 punters to be senior coach for a day.

MELBOURNE
Paul Roos
To be the least-working, highest-paid coach in the game. I was already planning to make myself redundant by the end of 2016 when 'Goody' (Simon Goodwin) takes over, but why wait that long? I can do it now under the guise of "man-management", "empowerment" and "delegation". 'Goody' needs more hands-on experience, and 'Macca' (Brendan McCartney) is hell-bent on helping us get to the finals before the Bulldogs, so I might take my hands off the wheel completely and put on the cruise control.

Do you really know who coached the Cats to the 2011 flag? Chris and Brad do. Picture: AFL Media

NORTH MELBOURNE
Brad Scott

My greatest pet hate, aside from being mistaken for Chris at least 20 times a day, is people asking when I'm going to emerge from his shadow and win a premiership. How do you know I didn't coach in his place in the 2011Grand Final? I didn't, but it got you thinking, didn't it? It's also got me thinking, and dreaming. We need to do it now, before our veterans ­– Harvey, Petrie, Waite, Wells, Dal Santo –­ are pensioned off.

PORT ADELAIDE
Ken Hinkley
I've heard a rumour that Phil Walsh wants to rattle me, and maybe even reprise the Percy Jones-Tony Jewell coaching stoush of 1980. Might have to tee up a chat with Walshy over a couple of ales at the Ramsgate, and walk him to his car where I'll have a few Power henchmen waiting to make him understand that those sort of underhanded tactics are just not on.

RICHMOND
Damien Hardwick
Dust off old footage of myself charging out of defence for Essendon and Port Adelaide in the 2000 and 2004 grand finals to remind to Reece Conca and Ty Vickery how to use controlled aggression. When I got frustrated, my natural instinct as a player was to lash out, but I managed to restrain myself. Most of the time.

Lessons learned? Conca and Vickery will look to make amends in 2015. Picture: AFL Media

ST KILDA
Alan Richardson
To become the Dalai Lama of the AFL. With more tough times ahead, I'll need to maintain the kind of patience and positivity that His Holiness is renowned for. And I've discovered we've got a bit in common. Dalai Lama means "ocean guru", and St Kilda's old theme song was I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside. Eerie.

SYDNEY SWANS
John Longmire
I won't waste much time answering tiresome questions about our humiliating grand final loss. We've conducted an inquisition into that defeat, studied it from every possible angle, and delivered home truths to pretty much everyone, except Buddy of course. So I've got one message for the media: don't mention the war, or 'Horse' will buck the Mr Nice Guy tag.

WEST COAST
Adam Simpson
To win over the Perth media. Mick Malthouse, a fellow Victorian, was unable to do it – not that he ever bothered – and I'm clearly a more affable bloke than Mick. Of course, Mick inherited a super-talented list, made the finals every year and won two flags in his first five years here. Actually forget the media; I'm probably better off growing a mo' and hoping some of Mick's magic rubs off.

WESTERN BULLDOGS
Luke Beveridge
Against my better judgement, I'll resist the urge to use ASIO-style surveillance on my players to avoid the kind of whisper campaign that torched my predecessor Brendan McCartney and disenfranchised then-captain Ryan Griffen. According to 'Clarko' – and Billy Joel – it's a matter of trust, so I'm planning to have everyone barking in unison, rather than letting the tail wag the Dogs.

Luke Beveridge will want to make sure his charges are all on the same page next year. Picture: AFL Media