THE 2024 Toyota AFL Premiership Season is heading towards a dramatic conclusion, and Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is back for another week!

So put your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> Check out the latest from Damian Barrett 

IF ...

the Crows actually stood for something in 2024 ...

THEN ...

their leaders wouldn't have let the Josh Rachele situation disintegrate into embarrassment. Clearly, he needs a lot of guidance. And I know he has been privately supported many times after eyebrow-raising on- and off-field moments. But to axe him this week, after the club itself has embarrassingly failed all the big tests this year, yet again, was too little, too late. And fake tough, coming as it does from a team which set out for finals and has won just eight matches.

IF ..

the Lions have put themselves into a dicey predicament in failing to win their past two matches, against GWS and Collingwood ...

THEN ...

they also haven't done a lot wrong. They've missed goals they should've kicked. Simple as that. As they have done for the past five seasons, I expect them to regroup, get over those losses, get on with the next match and challenge for the flag.

IF ...

Patty Cripps is playing ...

THEN ...

the Blues are a chance. It doesn't matter who else is fit.

IF ...

the Pies feel they have nothing to play for ...

THEN ...

they actually do! Nick Daicos can win the Brownlow. At the very least, he's gonna need another three votes against the Dees on Friday night. His teammates owe it to him to ensure that happens.

IF ...

Bombers players this off-season feel the need to do as they did last off-season and use social media to tell us they're not just overseas together but overseas together AND TRAINING REALLY HARD ...

THEN ...

spare me. Professional athletes preparing to play professional sport. Wow. And what did it amount to, anyway? Yet another wasted home and away season.

IF ...

Patty Cripps and Zak Butters are the AFL benchmarks for using willpower to shape results ...

THEN ...

Caleb Serong is next best. Can't wait to see how he approaches the final match of the season in the event of it being a win-and-you're-in game for the Dockers.

IF ...

I was Chris Scott ...

THEN ...

I wouldn't be playing Danger, Jez, Tom or Max in Saturday's game against West Coast.

IF ...

this club wants to start to be taken at least semi-seriously ...

THEN ...

it will fly into Melbourne for Saturday's MCG match against the utterly woeful Richmond, and fly back to the Gold Coast with a six-goal win.

IF ...

the Giants' greatest rivalry in its 13-year AFL life is with the Bulldogs ...

THEN ...

Sunday's game against that team may be the best clash yet, even after a history which includes an epic prelim final, a face gouge, a fractured larynx, a kick to the face, captain-stealing, No.1 draft pick stealing, and a weird coin toss. Soooooo much at stake. Bring it on.

IF ...

the Sam Mitchell-Alastair Clarkson hate is palpable ...

THEN ...

imagine what a 100-point Hawthorn win on Saturday in Launceston would do to that. That margin is possible.

IF ...

your dad works at another club and says that club wants you to play for it ...

THEN ...

boo! Demons got spooked on Jack Viney. What an extraordinary turn of events that Viney got a four-year deal out of North Melbourne's supposed interest. Not downplaying Jack's Demons-great career, as he has been crucial to recent success, but he will be 34 when that contract ends.

IF ...

part of the plan behind paying Clarko a fortune to coach was focused on selling hope ...

THEN ...

after two seasons and just six wins, that's not happening when it comes to attracting quality free agents and out-of-contract players from other clubs. Far from convinced anything meaningful has changed under his watch.

IF ...

Dan Houston is a massive loss for the remainder of the season and potentially premiership destroying ...

THEN ...

there's still hope. It comes in the form of Zak Butters. Patty Cripps aside, there is not one player in the comp more capable of consistently using will power to influence a result.

IF ...

I've seen and heard some unbelievable spin from footy clubs over the years ...

THEN ...

the Tigers' attempted-positive take on Bolton, Rioli and Baker wanting out may be the best ever. Yes, there will be draft picks in exchange. But there is never a guarantee with draft picks. People have been asleep at this joint all season.

IF ...

the Saints have had a really nice seven week stretch of form, with five wins in that period, and four wins from the past five ...

THEN ...

it's also false form. It has emerged only after the season had been blown up, with the finals out of reach. I'm holding my views on what this means in the big picture.

IF ...

I was John Longmire this weekend ...

THEN ...

I would be doing as Ross Lyon did way back in 2015 when he was in charge of Freo and rested 11 players for the final home-and-away round. Don't risk The Chad, under any circumstances. There’s no flag without The Chad. Give Dane the weekend off. Arguably the Swans' most important player, still. Errol could do with a break. Hayward has looked banged-up for five weeks. Grundy has been tired for eight weeks. Heeney is the most exquisite convertible sports car you'd ever see, but he's due for a round 24 service. I realise Horse is beautifully old-school and doesn't subscribe to tempting fate with selecting a team which is not your best. He will also point to there being a weekend off in eight days' time. But imagine the freshness come week one of the finals, with Papley and McInerney returning, too.

IF ...

Dean Cox publicly said no to the Eagles coaching job a month ago ...

THEN ...

privately there is a lot to still play out here. When the Sydney's season is finished, Cox will again be asked: "Would you like to coach this club?".

IF ...

Ballarat is one of the great non-major cities in Australia ...

THEN ...

with it also being the venue of a huge final round match for the Bulldogs, who need to defeat GWS to guarantee a finals berth, it poses a problem for the home team. Stereotypically viewed as a rainy, windy town. Sunday's forecast reads: "Very high chance of showers, most likely in the morning and afternoon. The chance of as thunderstorm. Winds … increasing to 35kmh." Hmmm. Pretty sure Darcy, Naughton and JUH would prefer the closed-roof experience of Marvel Stadium for this crucial, season-shaping moment.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

you're a regular reader of this column ...

THEN ...

you know what's about to follow. Dan Houston smashes Izak Rankine on Saturday night. All umpires on the night say: "Play on, nothing to see here". 'Razor' Ray Chamberlain publicly reaffirms that umpires' outlook during the week. Think about that. The people in charge of in-match officiating say Houston acted within the AFL's rules. But, wait, there's a second set of AFL eyes, the Match Review Office, which on Sunday says the hit is worthy of a five-week suspension. Hmmm. Play on … all the way to a five-week ban. The third set of AFL eyes, the Tribunal, gets a view on Tuesday night and also feels it is worth five weeks. But wait, we need to see what a fourth set of 'independent' AFL eyes say. So we get to Thursday night, five days after the split second hit the umpires say was within rules, and one day before the next round of footy starts, and the Appeals Board is asked to take a squizz. The five-match ban stands. Only last month, both Toby Bedford and Charlie Cameron had three-match bans overturned on the same night by the fourth set of eyes. Once again … this system needs to be blown up.