IF
 		THEN
 
Adelaide
 		the Crows maintain the endeavour displayed in the first three quarters in Geelong on Thursday night...
… they will return to finals in 2014.
Brisbane Lions
 		the Lions are serious about re-emerging as a contender...… they have to re-sign more youngsters to avoid last year's embarrassing off-season. Start with James Aish.
Carlton
 		out of the mess of the loss to Port Adelaide, Malthouse was asked to nominate his greatest disappointment of the many presented to him...… we would suggest it was Walker's suspension-incurring brain snap in throwing Monfries into the fence.
Collingwood
 		Gary Pert speaks confidently of the Pies winning a flag in the next three years...… what happens if they don't?
Essendon
 		this column is ever going to ease up on the Bombers, and it promises it spent the off-season endeavouring to start afresh...… it needs to either shut up James Hird and his wife in 2014 or tell them to show some remorse or acknowledge some fault.
Fremantle
 		our man Nat Fyfe loses the Brownlow by less than three votes......he can thank Ross Lyon (another of 'our men', by the way) for that being the case. No more premature red vests for Fyfey!
Geelong
 		you begin to believe this will be the year the Cats finally fall......check yourself and realise it won't be.
Gold Coast
 		fans of opposing teams were thinking of going to watch their team on the Gold Coast this season...
… still do, but make sure you also lock into your itinerary a day on the beach and a visit to a theme park, for the satisfying feeling of a win is far from guaranteed
Greater Western Sydney

 		the Giants learned anything last year...
... it is this: nine-year deals can blow all opponents out of the water. Jeremy Cameron needs a nine-year offer. Do it now.
Hawthorn
 		Cyril Rioli plays as a permanent back …… we'll totally understand, but at the same time wonder if one of the great forward line talents is being wasted.
Melbourne
 		the Demons roll out the line "this match is just four points"......they're lying.
North Melbournethis club is to be taken seriously as a premiership contender......it must win with authority against the Bombers.
Port Adelaide
 		Darren Burgess isn't the highest paid high-performance manager in the competition......he should return to Liverpool.
Richmond
 		the Tigers continue to fail to kick it to Jack...
 		...this column, as it did last year, will continue to ask why. And we will NOT LET IT GO, Dimma!
St Kilda
 		the Saints are going to avoid the wooden spoon this year......a win against Melbourne is a must.
Sydney Swans
 		you lent your flash car to a new mate......wouldn't you be annoyed if it was pranged?
West Coast
 		Xavier Ellis admits he was overweight at Hawthorn......clearly all the Hawks' weight-loss specialists were focused only on Brian Lake...
Western BulldogsJack Macrae can fulfill the promise he showed in his debut season......the Dogs will have another elite midfielder on their hands.

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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian