| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | your champion footballer and a great mate leaves you and your team and you respond with a season adjudged to be of All-Australian vice-captaincy standard ... | ... you're made of seriously strong stuff, Rory. Have loved watching the Sloane and Crows story unfold this year.. |
| Brisbane Lions | Rocky is captain next year ... | ... we'll be surprised. Time for him to stand aside. He'll be a better player if he's not playing politics, even if it has been inadvertent politics. |
| Carlton | anyone associated with the Blues ended up satisfied with the 2016 season ... | ... they need a reality check. |
| Collingwood | Gubby has survived relatively unscathed for this long ... | ... he'll brush off this Whitfield stuff. He's buried many greater problems than this one. It's why he's still in massive demand in 2016. |
| Essendon | you're winning a best and fairest before you turn 21 ... | ... you've got super-serious talent. |
| Fremantle | Boyd and Greene can make All Australian and Neale can't ... | ... Neale is unlucky. And that's not a criticism of Boyd and Greene. |
| Geelong | you go back to 2007 ... | ...you'll remember the Cats had nine All Australians. Enright wasn't one of the nine. Nine seasons later, he's secured positions in six All Australian teams. Extraordinary. |
| Gold Coast | you've got six draft picks inside 26 before you transact Prestia and O'Meara ... | ... you may as well go against what the AFL is telling you to do (bring in some aged opposition players), and load right up in the draft. And get it right this time. And then create an environment that compels players to stay. |
| Greater Western Sydney | there's one thing we really admire ... | ... it's a footballer working hard to overcome past problems. Toby Greene – All Australian. Massive, and deserved, outcome. |
| Hawthorn | the story is right ... | ... Jack Fitzpatrick was sinking tinnies at the Geelong Cup last year when a punter told him of his trade to Hawthorn. Now he could be the catalyst to take the cup from Geelong ... |
| Melbourne | there's something being overly analysed right now ... | ... it's the supposed negative impact on Roosy's Demons legacy on the back of two horrid losses to close the season. The positive legacy was unbreakably intact before then. |
| North Melbourne | our gut feel is right ... | ... Waite will be rushed back against the Crows. Which would leave Scott with another big decision - who to leave out, Daw or Petrie. |
| Port Adelaide | there's smoke ... | ... there's usually fire. Something very, very strange going on with Hamish Hartlett. |
| Richmond | you were compiling a list of worst team performances in 2016 ... | ... the Tigers' SCG loss last weekend is in the top five somewhere. |
| St Kilda | you win three best and fairests ... | ... you're edging toward all-time club great status. Not bad for a guy who was drafted in the 40s and hadn't made much impact in his first four seasons. |
| Sydney Swans | the Swans happen to reach another Grand Final ... | ... Horse is obliged to pick Benny McGlynn in the big game. Poor bloke couldn't miss another premiership, could he? |
| West Coast | Mackenzie can't get back in before the year is out ... | ... he must look elsewhere. |
| Western Bulldogs | Stringer kicks six against the Eagles ... | ... the Bevo legend gets another layer. |
| And wait, there's more, as per constant reader request ... | ||
| AFL | Gill tells us one more time that shutting down this weekend has been a good idea ... | ... we will, in the famous words of Terry Wallace, throw up. Gill. Please. It. Is. Not. A. Good. Idea. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
