| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | the AFL's big brother in the city of Adelaide is one thing right now... | ...it is jealous, as little brother continues its 2014 dream. |
| Brisbane Lions | the idea behind suggesting that the appearance of a caged lion would be good for increased crowds at the Gabba... | ...you're 100 per cent right, provided you charge an entry fee to the thousands of animal liberationists who'd flock to the joint. |
| Carlton | our gut feel is right... | ...the Blues will target a lot of players in trade period. |
| Collingwood | Tyson Goldsack did one thing very well this year... | ...it was waiting until this week to re-sign with the Pies. The planets had aligned for him and he got a whole lot more inducement than was being offered not all that long ago. |
| Essendon | James Hird actually cares what his coaching counterparts think of him, and maybe he doesn't, but if he did... | ...he would show at least the slightest hint of public remorse for what happened in 2012, and for the impact it has had on two full seasons of football since. |
| Fremantle | we've regularly praised Ross The Boss this year for many reasons... | ...it's only fair we have a crack at him for his none-too-subtle dig at Mitch Clark. Sure, there's bad history there, but there's also an official diagnosis of clinical depression. |
| Geelong | you’re Tom Hawkins... | ...you’re extremely annoyed the Hawks went and recruited a bloke called Lake. Used to handle Gibson and Schoenmakers OK. |
| Gold Coast | there's a watch-this-space issue right now... | ...it is this club's board meeting next Thursday. Lot of questions will be put to the coach. |
| Greater Western Sydney | you're serious about improving next year... | ...you need to appoint one, maybe two and possibly three, experienced assistant coaches. Nothing against Mark McVeigh, but this joint has more than its share of un-tried assistants. |
| Hawthorn | anyone is more pleased with Jordan Lewis’ form than Sam Mitchell... | ...it can only be Alastair Clarkson. Taggers now go to Lewis and Mitchell runs free. |
| Melbourne | you're feeling sympathy for Melbourne that Clark won't be trying out for it in his comeback... | ...stop it. The severance agreement reached by both parties in April was as much club driven as it was Clark-driven. |
| North Melbourne | you're a 20-something footballer who still has the dream but also the fear that things have passed you by... | ...keep dreaming, and make the fear work for you. That's what Ben Brown did, and there is no better true-football story in 2014. |
| Port Adelaide | we noticed one thing during the Power's smashing of Richmond last week... | ...it was that our man Chad had a nice little return to form. Look out Dockers. |
| Richmond | we felt rightly compelled by this mob to eat humble pie and admit to egg on face in last week's Sliding Doors reference... | ...we're reverting to normal programming this week: the Tigers, when it was all said and done, wasted a year of footy with what they dished up at Adelaide Oval last Sunday. |
| St Kilda | Nick Riewoldt is good enough to secure a sixth best-and-fairest award in 2014... | ...we'll go early here - he'll win a seventh in 2015. |
| Sydney Swans | you want to keep sucking life out of a team's season at the precise time it should be getting pumped up... | ...keep honouring the contract to play Swans finals at the Olympic stadium. |
| West Coast | the Crows are suffering as they watch their little brother light up September... | ...it is actually worse for the Eagles. If it's possible, the Eagles dislike the Dockers more than the Crows do the Power. |
| Western Bulldogs | you finish 16th and 17th in your club best and fairest... | ...you haven’t contributed, for whatever reasons. Shaun Higgins and Will Minson know they need to get out. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
