1: Gallows humour
THAT hammering sound from Windy Hill is not, as you might suspect, the building of a gallows from which to hang the next bunch of Bomber delistees. It is the building of a collection of sedan chairs with which to carry the club's innumerable retirees from the field after Sunday's match with St Kilda.
The absence due to injury of David Hille, Dustin Fletcher and Jason Laycock means lifting duties have been delegated to a bunch of skinny 18-year-olds – and frankly it would take half a dozen of them to lift Mal Michael alone from the turf, not to mention Adam Ramanauskas, Jason Johnson and Damien Peverill.
Rhys Magin, who weighs slightly less than a Chinese women's gymnast, has been excused from carrying responsibilities, which makes it even harder for the remainder. Perhaps the AFL could relax its ban on crowd invasions and allow Bomber supporters to risk their backs and necks rather than the seven fit players still on the Essendon list.
2: Do the limbo rock
LEIGH Matthews is always honest with his assessments, and so the football world listened when he spoke about his Lions' disappointing season. "I think we've limboed a bit," he said. Limboed? Yo-yoed, anyone?
Certainly it's an interesting training technique – we're sure the sight of Jonathan Brown seeing how-low-he-can-go under the limbo pole to the vocal stylings of Mr Chubby Checker was an inspiration to all. And the Gidget-style beach parties the team had during the season must have been wonderful for team bonding.
What troubles us, though, is Lethal's fairly tenuous grip on modern terminology vis-a-vis funky dance lingo; a worry for a coach who's not getting any younger. "I think we've hip-hopped a bit" may have been preferable. But "I think we've crumped a bit" would have been entirely better.
3: Prodigal son
SPEAKING of yo-yos, or limbos, or even crumpers, Cameron Schwab is back at Melbourne as CEO. Schwab started out with the Dees, tried Richmond, returned to Melbourne, flew off to Freo, and now finds himself a Demon yet again.
Tradition is so respected at Melbourne that Schwab is expected to name Hassa Mann as skipper for 2009, Ron Barassi as coach, and organise for Jim Stynes to run across the mark and give away a match-losing 50m penalty in the first game of next season.
4: The Farmer takes a life
THE GOOD news for Jeff Farmer is that Roger Hayden has offered him a new contract for 2009, despite young Jeff having another brain snap last weekend and giving away a critical 50m penalty that gifted a goal and momentum to the Tigers.
Fremantle coach Mark Harvey has taken to walking around the dressing rooms asking people their ages and retiring anyone over 30 ... and Farmer is 31 and out of contract. But Hayden has come out with a ringing endorsement.
"You need players at a club to guide the younger guys," Hayden said."Jeff's been around for awhile and played in big games, grand finals, and some of the younger guys look up to him." Some.
What to look for this Tuesday on afl.com.au
Burgo crumps a move
Matt Burgan, whose crumping style is chick-magnetism incarnate, picks his best 22 from last weekend's matches, throws their names into a hat, and picks them out in order from back line to forward line. Remarkable.
The men in charge
A goodly number of coaches will yak about their finals' prospects or their hopes for 2009. Fortunately for the three remaining players on Essendon's list, Matthew Knights is not one of them.
The views in this story are those of the author and not necessarily those of the clubs or the AFL
