ARCHIE Smith writes his brother's name on his wrist before playing every game. It's a reminder of who he wants to play for, and who he doesn't want to let down.

The Brisbane ruckman has endured a traumatic eight months following 21-year-old Sebastian's death by suicide and is now ready to share his story.

Some days are good, many days are not.

Smith is fighting his own mental battles, but after taking a break from footy early in the year and getting in touch with mental health support organisation Headspace, he's slowly improving.

Sebastian meant the world to him.

Born four years apart, the boys are part of a tight-knit family of six children and were inseparable for most of their lives.

"I have such vivid, clear memories of his voice, his mannerisms, how he was. I remember him as a young kid, he'd leave me letters on my bed," Smith told AFL.com.au.

"He was fiercely loyal and incredibly compassionate. He loved his family, loved his brothers."

"We meant the world to him, and in a way that's why he bottled how he was feeling, because he didn't want to be a burden to us, when we were trying to convince him he wasn't."

In the space of 48 hours last November, Smith went from one of the best days of his life to the worst.

His engagement to long-time partner Sophie brought all the people that meant the most to him together, including his three brothers, Sebastian, Isaac and Abib, who would all be groomsmen at his wedding.

It was "magical", like a slow-motion movie, Smith said, full of happiness and bliss.

Sebastian had been struggling mentally since his late teens, and big brother hugged him, told him he loved him and that he was proud of him before they parted ways that night.

It was the last time Smith would see him.

Two days later he got the news that would change his world. He said it was like an out-of-body experience, a blur. Then there was the funeral.

"I had to be a pallbearer, it was just terrible," Smith said. "That's probably the thing that haunts me the most, that week."

"Zorko brought 20 boys in their off-season, they came in their club suits and I remember them all see me on the floor crying at the funeral and I looked up and saw them all.

"That was a really special moment for me. To see those boys there for me and sit through the whole thing, it was really special."

That was just the beginning for Smith, though. With pre-season training around the corner he decided to throw himself in head first, thinking that was the best way to grieve.

It wasn't.

He would turn up to Lions' training at Yeronga an hour before anyone else, sit in his car to psych up, train hard and then return to the car to bawl his eyes out.

He was living off four hours of broken sleep a night. He was anxious, suffered panic attacks and nightmares, but he bottled it up, particularly at the football club, not wanting to be treated differently or seen as a liability.

Smith burnt out, and inevitably got injured. That's when football manager Danny Daly and welfare officer Andrew Crowell told him to take a couple of weeks off and rehabilitate his injury off-site.

It was a mental freshen-up more than a physical, and one that started the cogs turning in the right direction.

Smith wrote eight pages of notes on his experience that would later form the basis of a video produced by the Lions on what he's been through and what he hopes others will learn from his experience.

It helped educate him on mental health, learn the correct language around it and encouraged him to take part in the 'Push Up Challenge' where he completed 3318 push-ups in 25 days during June – one push-up for each life lost to suicide in 2019 alone.

Smith went back to his high school, St Laurence's College, to Morningside Football Club, anywhere he could use the challenge to educate, inspire and fundraise for Headspace and Lifeline.

"I just wanted to align something I was passionate about with my story. It turned out to be so much more," he said.

"I cried happy tears when I went back to my old school on the first day.

"The whole school was doing push-ups on the quad, it was great. My mum and my brothers came, we led and did the push-ups and it was such a special moment.

"At Morningside I met the mother of a son they'd lost, he was only 14 and it was a really emotional moment. We looked at each other and knew exactly what the other was feeling.

"We had 400 people doing push-ups together for Jonah and Sebastian.

"I feel this is a path that will go beyond football and that I'll be passionate about for the rest of my life, absolutely."

Smith has been flooded with messages of support, and also questions from people seeking advice.

One trip home from the Gabba, he stopped at a set of lights and started crying. He looked to his left where a lady walking past noticed he was upset.

She walked up to his car window to ask if he was OK.

"I couldn't believe it," he said. "I pulled over to the side and we had a little chat. I told her I was fine, and she kept walking.

"I was shocked. I'll never forget her for the rest of my life. If roles are reversed, I'll do exactly the same thing now."

Smith has had to address his own problems. He's improved, but still has a way to go.

"I still have some really dark days because I think about my brother every single day of my life," he said.

"I still find myself going to group texts and adding him in and they're the times where it hits me off guard and are really difficult, when I go to text him or call him.

"The best tip I got from someone was 'you'll never get over it, but you'll get through it'.

"That's what I'm trying to do every day. Some of those days it can get on top of me. That's where I've got to take my own advice … speak and reach out to someone.

"When I'm up and about I'm jumping up and down with Charlie (Cameron) and screaming with Mitch Robinson, but when I'm not it's so noticeable, I'm quiet as a mouse.

"That's where the boys have been really good, they treat me normally.

"Crowelly might say 'are you all right mate?' I'll say: 'I'm not actually'.

"I wouldn't have done that beforehand, but I've realised how much it helps to get it off your chest, just to say it, it can change my whole day."

Smith said grieving had been an individual process for his family. There's no textbook on how to do it, but they all respect each other's choice and are there to support one another.

Isaac doesn't show much emotion, whereas youngest sister Violet is open about her feelings. His parents love to watch old videos of Sebastian, have pictures of him everywhere and love talking about him.

That upsets Smith, as do family gatherings like Mother's Day, when his absence is even more noticeable.

Educating himself, producing a raw and honest video, and even speaking to the media are all ways for Smith to cope and bring a positive from the situation.

"I'm not an expert, I'm not a professional, I'm just trying to learn myself as well as bring others along with me," he said.

"This video can give a broad message to encourage and applaud speaking out as opposed to the whole 'toughen up' thing.

"The 'others have had it harder than you' (notion) can be really harmful, and can completely isolate someone.

"It's made me sit back and think that you don't know what someone's been through that day, that I meet and walk past.

"I want to listen to everyone's story and help them out, but I have to let them know I'm battling myself and that I'm not an expert.

"I'm completely on their side. I'm happy to listen to anyone."

On the football field, Smith's body is finally in one piece, he's getting some continuity and pushing for senior selection.

And there's one driving force.

"I don't want to let him down. He'd hate to see me not give it my all," he said.

"I want to give the best five weeks I can. That's my goal, to put together a massive end of the season and give it everything.

"I write his name on my wrist every game and that means everything to me, just like every rep of the push-up challenge, I thought of him.

"I want to remember Sebastian for the 20 years before his death, rather than him be defined by the end of it.

"He's what I do it for."

Lifeline is an Official Charity Partner of the AFL, which provides all Australians experiencing a personal crisis with access to 24h crisis support & suicide prevention services. For crisis or suicide prevention support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit http://lifeline.org.au/gethelp