IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

Matty Nicks post-match felt the need to provide context to his players' excitement and celebrations during their smashing of Carlton on Thursday night ...

THEN ...

I understand why, but please, there was no need for it. Bring it on. I love it, particularly Rachele's Tim Cahill skit. There's a lot to excitedly celebrate. Reason to dream big.

IF ..

the Lions’ best is competition-best, evidenced in wins against Melbourne (round two), and Collingwood (four) ...

THEN ...

anything below their best seems a long way off requirements (a nine goal loss to Port in round one and a 14-point loss to the Bulldogs in round three). Bridging the gap between the two is Chris Fagan’s greatest challenge.

IF ...

Adam Saad has been able to play his own way for way too long ...

THEN ...

Ben Keays' effective shut-down role on him on Thursday night was a massive reality check. Other teams will inevitably take note.

IF ...

images sent and received between two consenting adults somehow, years later, make it into the public domain, as happened last week with Jack Crisp ...

THEN ...

it’s a saga the player and club could well do without. Glad for Jack that the AFL didn’t feel the need to apply a match-ban sanction. And desperately hope that the next “hero” on social media who feels the need to attempt to ruin someone for no real reason thinks twice.

IF ...

Dylan Shiel's body has curtailed his impact in many of his 12 seasons at two footy clubs ...

THEN ...

here's hoping he gets to continue his outstanding start to 2023. A lot of players at this club seem to be thriving under the new coach, none moreso than Shiel.

IF ...

this club doesn’t do something radically different with its overall attitude and forward line operations ...

THEN ...

the season is done. Boring conservatism doesn’t cut it anywhere in high-level sport these days.

IF ...

Stanley and Blicavs have both copped knees to the ribs inside four matches of the 2023 season ...

THEN ...

given his rightful outburst last Monday I can only imagine Chris Scott’s rage if it happens again. Would be get-the-popcorn stuff.

IF ...

just once this club was to immediately follow up a good win with another good win ...

THEN ...

it would be novelty week. Beating Geelong in round three ultimately meant nothing, yet again, when it was destroyed by St Kilda in round four. Rinse, repeat.

IF ...

the Giants chose to revisit the late 2020 landscape where Jez Cameron went from being desperate to stay to wanting out ...

THEN ...

they would realise they didn’t give him enough love or proper reason to stay. A history shaping period for two footy clubs.

IF ...

the decisions made by Hawthorn officials in the 2022 trade period were not a form of tanking for the 2023 season ...

THEN ...

they were the closest thing to it. And no matter how many denials and angry retorts I get, I won’t be backing away from the claim. Losses by 59, 81 and 82 points is non-competitive, embarrassing stuff. And as for no score, and just one – yep, one – inside 50 in the third quarter of last Monday’s game against Geelong, well, nah, I’ve got nothing left.

IF ...

the make-up of the Melbourne forward line this season is going to look different weekly ...

THEN ...

I’d still be making Tom McDonald a mainstay. Axed in round three to make way for the exciting Jacob van Rooyen, but back last week and booted four goals. Was brilliant in the 2021 flag year. And it was no coincidence to me that McDonald’s injury absence in the second half of the 2022 season was a major cause of the Demons’ failures.

IF ...

Tarryn Thomas hasn’t “got it” by now ...

THEN ...

he won’t get it. A dangerous driving video during the week yet another reason to question his ways. And then a media interview which the club had no knowledge of. I’d be trading him at the end of the year. Settle for a pick in the late teens, even early 20s.

IF ...

you package up Port's wins against Brisbane and Sydney ...

THEN ...

it is one of the flag favourites. If you package up the manner of its losses to Adelaide and Collingwood, then it is at best a fringe finals hope. Let's see what it does against Western Bulldogs, in a "neutral" home match on Saturday night. No excuses.

IF ...

the Tigers were to hypnotise Dusty and convince him that Friday night’s match against the Swans was a Grand Final ...

THEN ...

that would be the one sure-fire way of getting this sputtering season on track. We know what happens with Dusty and Grand Finals. But we are now never sure what we get with Richmond week to week.

IF ...

Jack Higgins’ heart was famously once, in his own words when at another club and accepting the trophy for a goal-of-the-year, “pumping 1000 minutes per second” ...

THEN ...

Saints’ fans hearts will be doing something similar, or at least beating really, really fast on Sunday night if Higgins can follow up last weekend’s five snags with another bag to help beat the mighty Collingwood.

IF ...

there is a silver lining to Bud’s latest injury ...

THEN ...

it comes in the form of Logan McDonald. In his 28-match career, he has played alongside Bud on 23 occasions, for 19 goals. In the five matches he has played sans Bud, he has booted 15 goals. Let’s see what he’s got. I reckon he’s about to explode.

IF ...

Nick Larkey got hold of Tom Barrass in round one ...

THEN ...

the Eagle defender responded like the very good player he is in the past two weeks. It's going to be another very long and ugly year for this side, and last year's best-and-fairest winner will need to hold it together.

IF ...

Bailey Smith is a very big out for the Dogs for Saturday night's big match against Port ...

THEN ...

Cody Weightman is a big in. Provides an energetic point of difference in a forward line which desperately needs spark.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

I didn’t think I needed another reason to add to my case to remove the tribunal from the AFL’s match sanctioning processes ...

THEN ...

it presented loudly anyway this week. A round four MRO charge against Will Day was taken to the tribunal on the same day that round five started. The whole system, surely, gets blown up at the end of the year. It makes no sense in 2023.