FOR Nicky Winmar, in the 30 years since a split-second pose transcended football for the wrong reasons, there has been hope. But there has also been hurt and pain.
There has been pride. Many tears. Moments of optimism. Disappointment. Anger. A life-altering toll, a fear that nothing will change.
Even today, as Winmar prepares to stand with St Kilda and Collingwood players as they enter Adelaide Oval, 30 years to the round in which he was subjected to a torrent of disgraceful and horrific racism as a Saints player at Victoria Park, he gets emotional when recalling it.
Winmar is apprehensive about today, nervous about being in Adelaide to mark an occasion he never wanted to be part of, worried about what it may do to him. He speaks at times in tones that suggest he is all but broken by the past. But just as that haze seems to take hold, his resilience fights back. A bounce and a smile return to his voice. He ponders a better future, particularly when he thinks of his four grandchildren, the eldest now dominating junior football in regional Victoria.
"There's no grandfather-grandson rule, is there?" Winmar said. "Can we get one? I love seeing my grandkids play."
Winmar has committed to never giving up hope for the fight against racism.
But just three weeks on from a supporter of his old club, St Kilda, abusing Jamarra Ugle-Hagan, he wonders if society has advanced in 30 years.
"The AFL can only do so much, 30 years is a long time, there's still a fight," an emotional and open Winmar told AFL.com.au. "It does still hurt a lot, what's going on."
WE'RE SORRY Magpies apologise to Winmar, McAdam for racist abuse
April 17, 1993. Collingwood v St Kilda at Victoria Park. A game of football was played. St Kilda won. Winmar and Gilbert McAdam starred. But sport didn't matter that day. Winmar's post-match right-hand raising of his jumper and left-hand finger pointing to his skin colour, captured by gun photographer Wayne Ludbey, became – for despicable reasons – a powerful moment in time.
"I'm so appreciative of it (the photo), I didn't know till the next day, I woke up the next morning and there I was in the paper, and what have I started now?," Winmar said. "It was so quick, I didn't realise Wayne took the photo.
'TIME TO PASS THE BATON' Winmar hails Jamarra's courage
"It was me saying I was black and proud and enough is enough. Stop doing this. What have I done to you? I have done nothing wrong. I was just playing footy. It was a hurtful day, it still is hurtful to think about it. It is not right. Just go to the footy and enjoy the footy without attacking Aboriginal kids for no reasons."
That 1993 day is one that no person should have been subjected to.
"They were saying things you can't say, things that should never ever be said, the 'b' and 'c' words, it wasn't nice," Winmar said. "Threats, and all that stuff. I did walk away from footy and didn't want to walk back. That was the hurt I got.
"Full credit to Jamarra, going back and kicking five goals the week after. With Jamarra, it's pass the baton onto the next gen, which is good, and the boys are starting to stand up for themselves, standing up to what is being said about them. It's sad that it is still happening, but what can we do?"
The emotions Winmar has experienced in the 30 years since he unwittingly became the personal focus of a very belated need for a push for change in behaviour have been extreme.
Winmar doesn't want to ever be defeated by this fight. But he does regularly ask himself why he still must fight.
"The person who said it to Jamarra was a St Kilda supporter, I mean what goes through their minds sometimes, just think and stop," Winmar said. "Before you go to the game, what are you doing, why are you going, to try to upset and say, 'black so and so'? Why? A lot of memories have been brought back (this week), I'll walk around the oval and have a yarn."
The apprehension of Winmar on this weekend is multi-pronged. The 30-year anniversary of the Victoria Park moment is part of that. The city of Adelaide, home of the Crows, the team which beat his Saints in the 1997 Grand Final a day after his father died, is another layer. Preparing to be the focus of a pre-match ceremony, where a special players' banner has been prepared, is also part of it, as he loathes being the focus of anything, even when his Australian football Hall Of Fame talents were being beautifully displayed in 251 VFL/AFL matches.
"Yeah, we will have to see how we go in Adelaide, and yeah, it does still hurt a lot, what's going on," Winmar said.
"I am a proud Aboriginal man, from down south of Perth, I still think about my old man and about another day or two in his life … I lost my dad the night before the (1997) Grand Final, my birthday was the 25th (September), my dad died the 26th and the Grand Final was the 27th and that was against Adelaide, and I've got to go to Adelaide."
On Tuesday, Winmar will be at Victoria Park to attend another ceremony focusing on his 1993 jumper-raise.
"People still come up to me and say it, and I get some Collingwood supporters, too, coming up to me and apologising for the day, for what happened - it wasn't the players, it was the crowd, and that's where the fight is," he said.
Winmar has never wanted to the be the focus of the racism disgraces in this country. He doesn't want to have to be in Adelaide on Sunday, would rather not be in Collingwood on Tuesday. Would prefer not to have to think about it nearly every day of his life.
But he understands the importance attached to his role in the fight. And he will never give up on hoping that one day he won't have to ask for people to be better.
"Thank you for doing this article and to everybody out there - please respect our people and respect all cultures and watch what you say, let everyone go out there and just play football," he said.
"Kids get affected by it, for crying out loud. They're just playing footy. Let 'em do that, let 'em enjoy it. Instead, they are being told about their race and their colour."
