IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

Dawson, Rankine, Laird, Rachele, Walker and co are getting the job done on the field ...

THEN ...

off it, Darren Burgess is too. The work of the internationally acclaimed high-performance boss is starting to take beautiful shape, just as it did for the Demons when he was on their books in 2021.

IF ..

big Joe has been playing top level footy for 11 seasons and he's understandably still having his high-end credentials questioned ...

THEN ...

let's isolate the five rounds of the 2023 season. He's had 25 shots at goal (competition sixth-best), for a 12.9 scoreline. Maybe he will forever be a very, very good player who will always tease that he's great. It's a whole lot more than most achieve.

IF ...

I'm going to make a big call in round six ...

THEN ...

it's this: underdog Blues are certainties to beat Saints. Still reckon they finish top four.

IF ...

there's something I just cannot cop ...

THEN ...

it's the Nick Daicos naysayers and doubters. You know who you are, you're the ones saying he gets the easy kicks and you want to question his effectiveness. People, please wake up. He's just turned 20. He's already better than 90 per cent of players in the entire competition, and before you naturally want to question that percentage, try to name 83 players better than him. On track to win a Brownlow in his second season. We are witnessing greatness.

IF ...

Darcy Parish has registered 44 and 42 disposals in the past two Anzac Day matches ...

THEN ...

it's fair to say he likes this day on the footy calendar. Going very nicely this season, too, dominating even. As a free agent, it's panning out beautifully, regardless of him staying or going.

IF ...

the Dockers in an elimination final last year booted 11 of the last 13 goals to beat the Bulldogs ...

THEN ...

that would normally be good reason to believe a win is coming in a round six match against the same team at the same venue on Friday night. But this team is yet to click this year. I'm still a high-end finals believer, though. Just.

IF ...

after a horrendous 0-3 start the past two weeks have looked good and resulted in a combined 138-point margin ...

THEN ...

in the big picture it has meant nothing. Those wins were against the effectively tanking Hawthorn and woeful West Coast. While the next encounter will clearly be a tougher assignment, it too won't provide any great clarity from a premiership perspective, as the Swans will have no established backline for this one.

IF ...

the 1-4 start has produced yet another worrying period for this club ...

THEN ...

there is a modicum of comfort in the fact that three of the next four matches, on paper at least, present as winnable. North Melbourne, Richmond, Melbourne, West Coast. Suns need to at least go 2-2 there to avoid crisis talks.

IF ...

Harry Himmelberg didn't already have enough going for himself with THE standout two best marks of the season, along with a brilliantly clever match-saving play in round five, not to mention the overall good form and Chris Hemsworth looks ...

THEN ...

having at least half a dozen clubs desperate for his signature as a free agent is another positive layer to his life. The Swans really, really, really like what they see in him as a key defender. Watch this space.

IF ...

the Hawks have managed just 41 goals this season ...

THEN ...

it's gonna be a very long year. But they've deliberately planned for that.

IF ...

two of the five matches this season haven't been good, particularly last weekend against Essendon ...

THEN ...

big Maxxy and Lever returning for Monday's match against Richmond is guaranteed to get this Demons ship back on premiership course.

IF ...

Todd Goldstein has secured one All-Australian jacket (2015) and a Roos best and fairest in the same season ...

THEN ...

he's unlucky not to have secured more of both. Has been a very good player for a very long time. Reaches game No.300 on Sunday, just the 10th VFL/AFL ruckman to do so, behind Simon Madden, Gary Dempsey, Barry Round, Don Scott, Sam Newman, Len Thompson, John Nicholls, Paul Salmon and Justin Madden.

IF ...

you were to remove from all considerations of Jason Horne-Francis the ice bath, the opinions of Kane and Kingy as well as the spin-off takes of everyone else, and the highly questionable attitudes of both player and club in his first AFL season at Arden St in 2022 ...

THEN ...

one compelling fact has emerged: Port Adelaide wouldn't have won its three matches of 2023 without him. Best on ground in round one against the Lions, impactful when the pressure was at its most intense in rounds four and five against the Swans and Bulldogs.

IF ...

Lynch, Nank, Graham, Broad, Tarrant and Gibcus have been on the injured/unavailable list ...

THEN ...

Jayden Short getting himself off it is massive. The best-and-fairest in a premiership year (2020) has been a huge out.

IF ...

in early February Anthony Caminiti wasn't among the 830 footballers whose names were on an AFL club list ...

THEN ...

by mid-April he has incredibly established himself as a key member of a team which has lost just one match, by one kick. His three-match sanction for belting Nathan Murphy leaves a massive hole in the Saints' forward line structure.

IF ...

Rampe and both McCartins remain unavailable ...

THEN ...

good luck Aaron Francis, in your debut Swans game. Take your pick of opponent. Jez Cameron, Tom Hawkins.

IF ...

Adam Simpson made a Grand Final in his second season as coach and jagged a flag in his fifth ...

THEN ...

seasons six, seven, eight, nine and now 10 have been, by way of comparison, disastrous. Right now, there seems no way out for this ageing, very banged-up, boring playing list. A major problem for both the Eagles and the AFL.

IF ...

Kylie Watson-Wheeler wanted to keep her application for the AFL CEO post a secret ...

THEN ...

it was a largely successful project for the best part of 12 months. But her secret has got out. And like nearly everything else in footy, now that her credentials have been revealed to the entire industry, there are many in support and many in opposition. For what it's worth, I've still got Andrew Dillon getting the gig.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

a Thursday night in a footy season has just passed without a game of footy ...

THEN ...

that was a really bad Thursday night. And the next six Thursday nights will be equally bad. I am way more confused with the round six to 12 Thursday night AFL blackout than I am with the tackling issue.