IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

there have been times this year where I have been all-in on the Crows' hopes ...

THEN ...

I'm only conditionally in now. They ain't winning a flag in '23. Cannot be trusted away from Adelaide Oval.

IF ..

Jack Gunston in 2023 as a Lion hasn't hit anywhere near the highs of his time as a Hawk ...

THEN ...

Saturday at the MCG against Hawthorn looms as the perfect time and place to do so. Playing an important role, but just 11 goals from 10 matches as a Lion. Booted 46, 58 and 57 goals respectively in the Hawks' premiership seasons of 2013, 2014 and 2015.

IF ...

the Blues' season isn't yet dead ...

THEN ...

it will be if they lose to Essendon on Sunday night. Time to dramatically move the magnets. Curnow in the guts? Cripps to full-forward? Saad to half-forward? Walsh to half-back? Something needs to change.

IF ...

Jordy De Goey wants to head to Bali next week when the Pies have their bye ...

THEN ...

I would love that. Really hope he does. Watching and listening to so many people losing their minds over an adult simply exercising his right to take a holiday wherever he wants in his own private time would be a fascinating social study.

IF ...

you were to reflect on Brad Scott's public comments about Jake Stringer on the eve of the season, when he missed round one and played VFL the following week ...

THEN ...

the coach has proven to be prophetic. The tailored off-season fitness program, said Scott, would give Stringer "the best chance to play well" and "getting him back to the best possible shape we could". A very important facet of this re-shaping Bombers season.

IF ...

Sean Darcy is a big out with a hamstring ...

THEN ...

Jaeger O'Meara is nearly as big, through suspension. Has found his groove as a Docker, crucial to their surge to a second consecutive finals series.

IF ...

Danger hasn't been seen since round eight with hamstring problems ...

THEN ...

he should be back for next Thursday's massive match against Port Adelaide. Even at 33 and with 311 matches behind him, remains one of the Cats' most important players.

IF ...

Rowell and Anderson are getting the headlines ...

THEN ...

don't forget about the skipper, Jarrod Witts. Suns are 6-4 when he plays, and he was again crucial in round 12 against the Crows.

IF ...

seven of the Giants' 12 matches have been determined by 13 points or less, for three wins and four losses ...

THEN ...

progress is being made. Adam Kingsley can be more than comfortable with his start to senior coaching.

IF ...

anyone was happy with kicking eight of the final 10 goals against Port Adelaide last weekend ...

THEN ...

they're easy to please. Being 96 points in arrears midway through the third term, and not the final margin of 55 points, was a truer reflection of the match.

IF ...

Brodie Grundy escapes the MCG on Monday without being subjected to a wrestle or pushing match or verbal spray or even punch-on with Bruz Maynard ...

THEN ...

I will be very surprised. Bruz will inevitably feel the need at some stage to check in with his old teammate. Bring on the drama.

IF ...

it was a slip of the tongue from Ben Dixon when he called George Wardlaw "George War Lord" ...

THEN ...

it may just prove to be the greatest nickname for a North Melbourne player since Lou Richards dubbed the great Mick Nolan The Galloping Gasometer.

IF ...

Jimmy Bartel dubbed them the double-barrelled impact players ...

THEN ...

I'll call them the Hyphenated Heroes of the Port Adelaide flag push. Horne-Francis, Powell-Pepper, Byrne-Jones. What a terrific trio. Tough, creative, damaging.

IF ...

Liam Baker was runner-up in 2021 and fourth last year in the Tigers' best-and-fairest count ...

THEN ...

he's tracking for another solid finish this year. Plays his 100th game on Saturday in Perth, against Freo. A great footy story, having had to enter the AFL system via the rookie draft in 2018.

IF ...

Mitch Owens had played seven more matches than Will Ashcroft, Harry Sheezel and Bailey Humphrey before the 2023 race for the Rising Star began ...

THEN ...

those are the rules. But surely he's got as much claim to the title as the other three. Was again huge on Thursday night in a win against the Swans.

IF ...

the Swans have missed finals only twice in John Longmire's 12 completed seasons ...

THEN ...

it will be three from 13 after 2023. I had been sympathetic to their backline injury curse. But that wasn't the reason they lost to the Saints. They might've lost their dare.

IF ...

the Eagles social media team published a photo of Jordan De Goey smashing into Elijah Hewett, with the caption "Straight to the Tribunal" ...

THEN ...

so what. It was a statement of fact. I have no idea why the club felt the need to not only delete that post but also apologise for it and other comments. It seems every department of this once-indomitable football club has been swamped with the self-doubt wave.

IF ...

Bevo said Cat Tom Stewart was "not a massive factor" in the round 12 post-match media conference ...

THEN ...

I take him at his word that he meant that. But it was very interesting to then see Stewart amass a maximum 10 votes for the performance in the official AFL Coaches Association award. Bevo isn't a member of the AFLCA, and "coaching groups" are known to regularly construct those votes.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

Linda Dessau's time as governor of Victoria expires at the end of June ...

THEN ...

a concerted behind-scenes push for her to return to the AFL Commission will ramp up from July. And not merely as a Commissioner, but as its future chair.