IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

Darren Jarman will always be regarded as the most exquisite Crows player to ever kick a drop punt ...

 

THEN ...

Taylor Walker must be No.2. Always thought a ball couldn’t travel more perfectly through the air than the drop punt he landed on Charlie Cameron’s chest to close out the 2015 elimination final against the Bulldogs. But Walker's non-preferred left foot bomb from 52m last weekend, with a confused Aliir Aliir standing the mark, well, that may be his new benchmark.

IF ..

it was Dayne Zorko the accused, and not Dayne Zorko the accuser, of a match-day squirrel grip ...

THEN ...

given his at-times volatile on-field moments the AFL industry would’ve gone into meltdown all week. Say and think what you want about Zork, that’s your right, but he’s a former long-time AFL club captain who deserved to be listened to. He flagged the matter, twice, during the match. Can’t believe the MRO system didn’t even refer to it, and that it required him to go public for official questions to be asked.

IF ...

elite leadership comes in many forms ...

THEN ...

we have seen it in Michael Voss as a three-time premiership captain, and now, arguably equally impressively, as an under-siege  second-stint coach who was prepared to transform his own ways, and engagingly challenge those of his leaders, in-season. One of the very best people in the AFL system.

IF ...

there is such a thing as a good loss ...

THEN ...

the Pies’ defeat by Carlton last week could fit in that category. Had been “up” a very long time, and still played more than OK. But losses are always internally critiqued harder, and the lessons from them often more profound.

IF ...

you’ve lost the past three, and five of the past six ...

THEN ...

manna from heaven comes in the form of West Coast this Saturday at Marvel Stadium and North Melbourne the following Saturday at the same venue. What a bonus to get both the Eagles and Roos, twice each, in this season.

IF ...

in round 20 you can produce a stunning, four-quarter effort to produce a courageous win against a very good team on its home deck, where it has been almost unbeatable in the past 15 years ...

THEN ...

what a wasted season. Pressure off, performance on. And there is nothing to salvage out of 2023.

IF ...

one of the big fellas up forward is aggravating a hamstring for the first time in a 17-year career and the other one is on the receiving end of a headbutt in a pub, five weeks after an ugly on-field concussion ...

THEN ...

that’s far from ideal for this sputtering reigning premier. Hawkins to miss Saturday’s match against Port Adelaide, Cameron to play. Two-time best-and-fairest winner Blicavs out, too. Going to need something very, very special from Danger in the final four games.

IF ...

the Suns feel aggrieved by the AFL’s decision to suspend Touk Miller for one match ...

THEN ...

they should grow up. It could, and maybe should, have been two, possibly three, weeks. Touk is an amazing leader of this club, and a very good person, but in the heat of battle against a hated rival, he made a mistake. It happens. And footy boss Wayne Campbell’s claims that “it’s disappointing his integrity and character has been tarnished during this process” is nonsense. This club too often plays the woe-is-us card, and now is set to rely on outside-soft-cap, AFL-issued ambassador money to secure Damien Hardwick to replace a coach they have just sacked but re-signed to a fresh two-year deal only 13 months ago.

IF ...

Sam Taylor is rightly getting all the focus down back and making the most impossible (because he’s missed seven of 19 matches) of claims on a consecutive All-Australian spot ...

THEN ...

Jack Buckley deserves at least a modicum of focus. And Connor Idun, too. Gun keys in the backline.

IF ...

another week has passed ...

THEN ...

you’ll have noticed it was yet another week where Jeff Kennett felt the need to offer moralistic advice to senior people in football. I just wish he once shone his bright torch on his own time in his latter years at Hawthorn, where he commissioned the unmitigated mess that was the racism investigation, and oversaw the destroying of any connection that a four-time premiership coach has with the Hawks.

IF ...

Jakey Melksham at 186cm, 85kg is taller and heavier than Jamie Elliott (178, 83) ...

THEN ...

recently, he is near-identical in a more compelling AFL stat: delivering in clutch moments. Overlooked for selection between rounds five and 16, turns 32 late this month, is 14 seasons into a career with two clubs. But has never been more crucial to high-end success of his team than right now.

IF ...

Alastair Clarkson hasn’t coached since round nine ...

THEN ...

his return for round 21 is at least a temporary circuit-breaker for this broken football club. Hope that that isn’t all it is.

IF ...

there is one good thing to come out of the unmitigated mess of Port Adelaide’s handling of the head clash of Aliir Aliir and Lachie Jones ...

THEN ...

it is that the highly embarrassing fallout will belatedly ensure that no club ever again acts in such a manner. If I was the AFL, I’d throw the really big book at the Power, but I reckon it will be one of the little ones.

IF ...

the losing margin was 32 points against Melbourne in round 20 ...

 

THEN ...

the performance was much better than that. Tigers were still leading a third of the way through the last quarter. Dusty’s absence a massive problem for Friday night lights against Bulldogs, but Tigers still a big chance.

IF ...

the Saints are to continue this most unlikely of surges to a finals appearance ...

THEN ...

they are going to have to do one thing on Sunday: stop King Charles. And I’m not sure they’re capable of that.

IF ...

you look at the fixture ...

THEN ...

you’ll see the Swans will be hosting the Demons at the SCG in their final home-and-away game of the year. Really hope big Bud can be convinced that it would be a beautiful idea to sit in the back of a ute before that game and complete a lap of honour. Guaranteed full house, regardless of the Swans’ finals chances. The most fitting way for one of the game’s greatest ever to properly say goodbye. But probably only a 3-97 chance of happening, given Bud’s long-entrenched ways.

IF ...

Jez McGovern is an “in” ...

THEN ...

that is always cause for hope. Has played only five matches this year, 10 last year, 15 in 2021, 12 in 2020. The Jez McGovern of round 21, 2023, though, is a mere shadow of the one who made four consecutive All-Australian teams from 2016.

IF ...

Bevo often plays favourites ...

THEN ...

James O’Donnell appears to be near the top of that list in 2023. Has obviously got genuine ability, O’Donnell, but plucked basically from nowhere to make his AFL debut in round nine, and has managed fewer than six disposals from eight games. Back for Friday night’s crunch game against Richmond.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

the AFL once provided $1 million annually of ambassadorial money to Karmichael Hunt in a ridiculous and expensive Gold Coast Suns sideshow ...

THEN ...

there is no doubt it will be throwing in plenty of extra folding as part of the Damien Hardwick pitch. I don’t agree with it, though. No club should get headquarters-approved outside-soft cap help, even the one owned by the AFL which hasn’t gone near a final in 13 years.