| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | you're a footballer and you own a cat and it vomits in your car... | ...of course it compels you to do 96kmh in a 60kmh zone. Silly you, if you thought otherwise. |
| Brisbane Lions | ever there was a sign that the Lions may have turned things around... | ...it’s Stef Martin re-signing. Look back 12 months and blokes were lining up to leave. |
| Carlton | Chris Judd had waited until this week to determine his playing future... | ...we reckon he might only be 50-50 to go on. |
| Collingwood | you're a B-Grade midfielder aged 22-26 in the competition... | ...expect your phone to get hot over the next few weeks. |
| Essendon | Michael Hurley maintains his form of the past month for the remainder of his career... | ...he will be the player we all thought he was going to be after we saw him rip open the round 22 match of his first season, in 2009. |
| Fremantle | Colin Sylvia had the right attitude... | ...he’d be looking at playing in a brilliant finals series. He doesn’t. And he’s not. |
| Geelong | the Cats losing to the Hawks was, according to the coach, “mission accomplished”... | ...we can only imagine what it would've been had they won. |
| Gold Coast | you are to be really honest in your appraisal of Karmichael Hunt's time in the AFL... | ...you'll acknowledge it was a waste of time and money - for club, player and code. And that it was never going to be anything other than that. |
| Greater Western Sydney | the Giants aren't considering an offer for Ryan O'Keefe... | ...they should be. He's still got a lot to offer and would almost certainly help Tom Scully to understand the game better than he currently does. |
| Hawthorn | the Hawks go all-out tonight, and Clarko's not the type of guy who approves of anything else, no matter the circumstances... | ...it's going to get really, really ugly for Collingwood. 100-point ugly. |
| Melbourne | this is, indeed, Frawley's final match for Melbourne... | ...it will be interesting to see how Demons supporters react when he walks off the ground on Saturday night. |
| North Melbourne | Ziebell can play in the forward line in the finals like he did last week... | ...this club might be the X Factor in September. |
| Port Adelaide | the Power defeats Freo in Perth this week... | ...it won't be daunted one bit by having to play a qualifying final against the Swans at Homebush. Maybe this club is the real X Factor. |
| Richmond | we're going to leave ourselves wide open for a smashing by a group of supporters which has no rival when it comes to real venom... | ...here it is: the Tigers are no hope against the Swans and the 2014 season was a complete waste. |
| St Kilda | this club is going to publicly release information it had chosen to keep quiet only when we ask about it... | ...we wonder what else it is keeping quiet on. We may not make the phone call on this other story we've been told, might just go with it. |
| Sydney Swans | your playing career was completed under Denis Pagan as coach... | ...it is not in your DNA to rest fit players, or ease-up, at any stage of a season, even in a dead rubber final round. |
| West Coast | with all that has gone wrong in 2014, Adam Simpson can get this club into the finals in his debut season... | ...he deserves a big pat on the back. |
| Western Bulldogs | you beat a depleted GWS in the final round to get to eight wins for the year... | ...it's a really hard season to judge. Yes, there's been improvement, but probably not enough. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
