| If | you go back to the commentary after round six ... | then | ... there were some – and you know who you are – who were saying this mob would go through unbeaten. Can look very, very ordinary at times. Can't see them adding 2017 to 1997 and 1998.. |
| If | we were Chris Fagan ... | then | ... we'd have selected Schache. But we're not Chris Fagan, and we know he knows what he's doing. |
| If | we're buying speculative footy stock ... | then | ... we're loading right up on Jack Silvagni. Love the old-fashioned footy smarts, footy brain, footy cool. |
| If | in a season of footy you lose to just one team, go 20-2 in home-and-away matches, boast 168 in percentage, win qualifying and preliminary finals, and manage to be in front in the third quarter of the Grand Final ... | then | ... not sure you can blame season-long partying of some players for not adding the 2011 flag to the 2010 one. Come on, Pendles. |
| If | you're Michael Hartley ... | then | ... this, in the absence of Hooker, is your big moment. Stop Buddy, and you'll become a household name. |
| If | there's one player we hope has a good match this weekend ... | then | ... it's Ballantyne. Glad he's back. Hate him like just about every other non-Dockers fan. Love him like few others for what he does when he's on-song. |
| If | Scott Selwood plays ... | then | ... we'll be mightily surprised. |
| If | one team just simply had to win a game this year ... | then | ... it was the Suns against Carlton last week. But, it's that sort-of season, and this team is still a finals chance. |
| If | every AFL-drafted player embraced Heath Shaw's attitude ... | then | ... the AFL product would be a whole lot more appealing. Loved every part of your journey to 250 games, Shawry. Even the lies, and particularly the stuff-ups. You're a bloody star, mate, on every level, hope you get another flag. |
| If | anyone tries to tell us they tipped the Hawks to beat the Crows ... | then | ... we're sorry, you're lying. |
| If | there's no Jones, Watts and Hogan ... | then | ... we'd normally say you're no chance against West Coast in Perth. But we're backing you in. There's something special unfolding here. And Goodwin knows it. |
| If | eight years ago you set out to remove from supporters' psyche the Shinboner concept ... | then | ... we wonder why you'd refer to it this week, out of nowhere, in a press conference. But, as we reported back in March, we also wonder why, Brad Scott, your manager tried to engage in conversations with the Brisbane Lions about their then-vacant coaching position back in October last year. |
| If | we're going to put our neck on the line this week ... | then | ... here it is: Port wins this round 14 game against the Pies by five goals. |
| If | Dimma keeps refuting there's an issue ... | then | ... we ain't believing him until the Tigers win a close one. And then another one. |
| If | we've learnt one thing in life, it is that words, even those with two letters – and in this case the word "it" - can seriously hurt and adversely impact on lives. Matt Finnis was right with what he said about The Footy Show. 100 per cent right. But if you are going to publicly position your club in the rarefied air of the moral high ground on one issue ... | then | ... we wonder now, even more than we did before, why your club ran away from being strong on another equally significant social issue after a round eight game. Was it because that issue involved your own players? You can't just pick and choose issues. Marc Murphy and his wife are still suffering from what was said by Saints players. Two more words – respect, responsibility. They're non-negotiable. For all of us. |
| If | you saw Buddy Franklin walking out of the Bondi surf and then clicking his heels on Thursday evening ... | then | ... it was after he'd heard Hooker had been ruled out. |
| If | you can't beat Melbourne without Watts, Jones and Hogan ... | then | ... we're putting a thick black texta line through your premiership credentials. |
| If | you respond publicly to rumours ... | then | ... even in these days of social media saturation you're nearly always alerting more than 60 per cent of the general public to a rumour they weren't aware of. And in this case, probably 93 per cent. |
And by popular request ...
| If | you go hard on the selling of AFLX ... | then | ... it will definitely work. Pay the players nicely, make sure there's good prizemoney for the winning team. It will work, big time, provided it's heavily funded and promoted. |
Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
