| If | you are the team we thought you were after round six ... | then | ... you defeat the Dockers by eight goals plus. |
| If | there's one issue over which we find ourselves shaking our head in increasing bemusement ... | then | ... it is the Schache one. Shambles at every single level. |
2015 No.2 draft pick Josh Schache. Picture: AFL Photos
| If | there's one thing we know which is guaranteed to be met with savage, litigation-threat reaction ... | then | ... it is any form of questioning of club doctors. But we'll still ask: why did Rowe go back on last week? Mind-boggling. |
| If | we've been critical of Bucks' ways in recent years ... | then | ... we don't for a minute back away from that. But we also acknowledge we admire few things more than a guy who does not deviate from his ways. A freakishly defiant, driven, devoted man. |
Pies coach Nathan Buckley giving his team a spray. AFL Photos
| If | his short time in the game has shown us one thing ... | then | ... it is that Walla loves a big stage and big moments. MCG, Saturday night, Dreamtime game. It's made for him. Look out Tigers!. |
| If | the Dockers beat the Crows at Adelaide Oval ... | then | ... Ross, indeed, is again the boss. |
| If | you ask us if we learned anything new about the Cats on Thursday night ... | then | ... no, we didn't. Not one thing. But, in this weird season, a win is a win, no matter how it comes. |
Joel Selwood and Paddy Dangerfield are all smiles after their narrow win over Port. AFL Photos
| If | China was a trip and task too far ... | then | ... we fear what Alice Springs, minus Gaz, will also hold. |
| If | you roll the injury dice on a player as valuable as Rory Lobb ... | then | ... you pay the heavy price. Should never have played last week. |
GWS big man Rory Lobb is out with a groin injury. AFL Photos
| If | you're getting the ball 50 times in a match ... | then | ... you're pretty special. Stop the questioning of Mitchell. |
| If | you've played three games at your 'home' venue of Traeger Park and lost all three ... | then | ... deal with it. It's worth good cash. And there is NO excuse for a loss this weekend. |
Jack Viney and Nathan Jones after last year's game at Traeger Park. AFL Photos
| If | this team maintains last week's intensity against the Demons ... | then | ... there will be many more wins before the year's out. |
| If | you're 5-4 after nine games and a bye ... | then | ... normally you'd be ranked among the so-so teams. But we're putting you in the real-deal category. |
Dejected Port players leave the ground after losing to the Cats on Thursday night. AFL Photos
| If | Benny Gale didn't call Dimma into his office this week and refer him to the dictionary meaning of "proud" ... | then | ... he should have. Zero chance that Dimma, despite saying so post-match after the GWS game, was "feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements or those of someone with whom one is closely associated". |
| If | Riewoldt's knees get two, maybe three and possibly four, footy-free weeks ... | then | ... he and the Saints will be very nicely placed when the season gets serious. |
| If | in March you predicted that this team, which had played in three GFs in 2012-16, would be playing the Hawks, who had played in four GFs in the same period, in a round 10 match which was 12th v 17th ... | then | ... you're a genius. |
Hawks celebrate as the siren sounds to end the 2014 Grand Final. Picture AFL Photos
| If | after last weekend you said we had only two words to describe this mob (and you know where this is going, don't you?!?!) ... | then | we are certainly up for the challenge. Flat. Trackers. |
A dejected Josh Kennedy after round nine's loss to Essendon. Picture: AFL Photos
| If | you hadn't played for a year because of a knee reco and you return in round eight and boot three goals and take 10 marks and kick two goals the next week but are axed for round 10 ... | then | ... you're pretty unlucky, aren't you, Jack Redpath? |
And by popular request ...
| If | you' re going to call 'play on' on Dixon at that stage of the game ... | then | ... we'll probably be told pretty soon that it was the right call. Fine. But let's see it now applied like that every single time. |
Share your views in the 2017 fan survey
We want to hear your take on footy's big and small topics, from free agency to the opponent you love your team to beat.
You can have your say via the survey below. It takes around 5-10 minutes to complete.
Survey not working on the app? Click here to open in a web view
Want more?
• Take the Friday footy quiz: who's firing Brownlow blanks?
• Plan B: Who steps up if a key player goes down?
Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
