THE QUICK FIX

Or to put it another way……

IF LOVING YOU IS WRONG THEN I DON’T WANNA BE RIGHT

Like a busted colostomy bag, Spud Central was flooded faster than the Swans backline last week with like minded mad Magpies who agree that footy’s decision makers are more on the nose than beachfront property in Werribee.

We all agree that you’d have to be thicker than Alistair Clarkson’s eyebrows to not see all is not right in the Democratic Republic of Sherrin. Whether that is Chris Judd being found not guilty for using Campbell Brown’s face for piano practice or Alistair Lynch being found not guilty for sledge hammering Wakes from behind. Compare that to JClo and Ant innocently sitting out Grand Finals for an attempted spoil and an errant chicken wing! Then there is the salary craps, home ground advantages et al – even baby seal pups don’t have as many clubs banging on about them!

Well my fellow Spudsters, like a woman with triplets, I’ve had a gutful!!

If all these two-faced moaning Victorian clubs REALLY do want to fix the problem then I have the solution.

And I have the solution coz like Admiral Andy I know THE SECRET!

Now I know some of the more astute readers out there in the outer spudurban suburbs might be thinking – “don’t be such a nong Hotrod, The Secret has been proven to be a bigger waste of time than goal kicking practice for Chris Tarrant and Matty Pavlich.”
And they’d of course be right.

But I use The Secret in reverse!

Step 1 – ASK

I am sick of all these two-bit wowser clubs ASKING every flipping time ANZAC Day rolls around why Collingwood has a “monopoly” on it. You never hear them whinging about getting a piece of the Dreamtime At The G action, gatecrashing Melbourne’s cushy Queen’s Birthday party deal or begging the AFL to play the Pies in Tasmania or Canberra at the risk of losing a home game against us at the G or Crypt. Not only do they have selective whinging but then you get the oppo players themselves, like Farren Ray, saying how great it is to play the Pies at the G in front of such big crowds and how everybody loves beating us blah, blah, blah.
My solution: Collingwood to play 11 home games at the MCG and 11 away games at the MCG celebrating any international public holiday on the calendar. For example I believe the Latvian National Goat Herding Day falls on a Saturday next year. We’ve all seen their supporters so what better time to play the Hawks?

Step 2 – BELIEVE

I am also sick of these two-bit wowser clubs BELIEVING they are entitled to the same funding, TV coverage, training facilities or football department expenditure as Collingwood.
When Collingwood was digging their hand into the back of their Black ‘n’ White couch looking for spare change to make ends meet (also known as LBE – Life Before Eddie) not one of them offered to help. In fact they used to bag Vicky Park and called in the AFL to avoid playing there. Now they’ve all got their hands out crying poor and WANTING TO BE LIKE Collingwood!

Step 3 – RECEIVE

And I’m definitely sick of these cut and shut second hand interstate franchises RECEIVING ridiculous salary cap advantages. If any club should be RECEIVING them it IS Collingwood!
Forget cost of living allowances. What about a cost of keeping crowd numbers up allowance?
If Admiral Andy had his head screwed on right he would give the Pies an extra ten million a season to spend on players. And I’m not torkin dollars, I’m torkin English pounds!! After 1990 every body knows that a Collingwood premiership is good for footy. Imagine ten in a row!!!

And that my friends is The REAL Secret.
Victorian footy ain’t crook, it’s just not Collingwood enough!

Please note: the views expressed in the above article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Collingwood Football Club or employees of the club. The Collingwood Football Club would like to acknowledge the tireless work of its supporters who contribute to collingwoodfc.com.au.