ADELAIDE
A mullet wig for big Tex Walker, not only on the basis that Samson, centre half-forward for the Israelites back in the day, was utterly cactus after he cut his hair, but also because the lack of a mudflap seems to make his ears stick out even more. It's a matter of aerodynamics.
BRISBANE LIONS
We've licked the much-unloved 'Paddle Pop Lion' into oblivion - who would have ever thought a Paddle Pop would become so unpopular? – and we've reverted to the guernsey worn in three successive flags. There's a quiet hint for you, Santa - the first of another three successive flags please.
CARLTON
It's there in black and white: Mick, Daisy, Cameron Wood, David Buttifant. Please let the Collingwood influence bring us a premiership. (We'll forget all about our recruiting of Peter McKenna, Mick McGuane, Cameron Cloke, Trent Hotton and Barry Mitchell if you can sort it for us.)
COLLINGWOOD
A new gold jacket for Joffa, the DVD of the 1998 HBO film called 'The Rat Pack' for Bucks, tattooing at home kits for Swanny, Beamsy and Jamie Elliott, lessons for the fans on how to pronounce Heritier Lumumba, a higher profile for shy and retiring Eddie McGuire.
Santa, please bring Joffa a new sparkly, gold jacket. The old one's been through a lot. Picture: AFL Media
ESSENDON
A note under the tree from the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority saying all is clear - we were just kidding about possible sanctions against individual players. And that means no more myocardial infarctions over infractions.
FREMANTLE
A bit of that old the-team-that-finishes-runner-up-often-wins-the-flag-the-next-year action, thanks. Apart from that, mistletoe rather than turf toe for big Sandi and some more angry pills for Hayden Ballantyne.
GEELONG
We'd like a stack more paid-up members after the raging success that was our plan to charge non-members for coming to training sessions.
GOLD COAST
Nothing much at all, Santa. We'd just like an early contract extension - say, another three years – for the little bald kiddie who wears the No.9 jumper.
GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY
More than two wins for the season would be nice, Setanta. Sorry … Santa.
ESSENDON
A note under the tree from the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority saying all is clear - we were just kidding about possible sanctions against individual players. And that means no more myocardial infarctions over infractions.
FREMANTLE
A bit of that old the-team-that-finishes-runner-up-often-wins-the-flag-the-next-year action, thanks. Apart from that, mistletoe rather than turf toe for big Sandi and some more angry pills for Hayden Ballantyne.
GEELONG
We'd like a stack more paid-up members after the raging success that was our plan to charge non-members for coming to training sessions.
GOLD COAST
Nothing much at all, Santa. We'd just like an early contract extension - say, another three years – for the little bald kiddie who wears the No.9 jumper.
GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY
More than two wins for the season would be nice, Setanta. Sorry … Santa.
Setanta Claus isn't around to deliver the Giants any more Irish Christmas cheer. Picture: AFL Media
HAWTHORN
With Jeff Kennett as our president, we need nothing at all. He will ensure back-to-back flags just like he did last time. He is our president, isn’t he? And he did ensure back-to-back flags last time, didn't he?
MELBOURNE
As we commemorate the 50th anniversary of our last premiership, something to celebrate in 2014 would be welcome, Santa. A grand old flag might be stretching the friendship, so a grand old appearance in the lower reaches of the eight might do. Thanks.
NORTH MELBOURNE
An exciting victory over Melbourne that is entirely down to a stroke of tactical genius from Brad Scott, so we can see the headline 'Coach Roos rues Roos' coach ruse'. Plus a win or two in close games for a change.
PORT ADELAIDE
Kochie has brought us fame, fortune and endless free publicity on national television in the early morning. Can we have someone giving us a pump-up of an evening, please? Perhaps that little bloke with the teeth from 'Million Dollar Minute'.
A finals win - just one - would go a long way for the long-suffering Tigers. Picture: AFL Media
HAWTHORN
With Jeff Kennett as our president, we need nothing at all. He will ensure back-to-back flags just like he did last time. He is our president, isn’t he? And he did ensure back-to-back flags last time, didn't he?
MELBOURNE
As we commemorate the 50th anniversary of our last premiership, something to celebrate in 2014 would be welcome, Santa. A grand old flag might be stretching the friendship, so a grand old appearance in the lower reaches of the eight might do. Thanks.
NORTH MELBOURNE
An exciting victory over Melbourne that is entirely down to a stroke of tactical genius from Brad Scott, so we can see the headline 'Coach Roos rues Roos' coach ruse'. Plus a win or two in close games for a change.
PORT ADELAIDE
Kochie has brought us fame, fortune and endless free publicity on national television in the early morning. Can we have someone giving us a pump-up of an evening, please? Perhaps that little bloke with the teeth from 'Million Dollar Minute'.
A finals win - just one - would go a long way for the long-suffering Tigers. Picture: AFL Media
RICHMOND
You granted our wish last season with a long-cherished spot in the finals, Santa. We forgot to add that we would also like to win the thing, because the end result was a little disappointing. It was a bit like the new Christmas toy breaking on its first outing. Please consider last year's request renewed, with that added proviso.
ST KILDA
As you are more correctly named Saint Nick, we hope you will offer an injury-free season to your namesake. And a spell from us appearing on the front pages for the wrong reasons. Over and out.
SYDNEY SWANS
A few extra metres onto the length of the SCG – let's say 10 per cent more - so we can squeeze Lance Franklin, Kurt Tippett and Sam Reid onto the field in the forward line at the same time. The damned reconstruction works have taken so long that another week or so wouldn't matter much, surely.
WEST COAST
A fit Nic Nat for all of the 2014 season is our very simple request. Oh, and don't let him belt either Patrick Dangerfield or Patrick Ryder. 'Nick Nat's Paddy whack' is one headline we don't want to read.
WESTERN BULLDOGS
We're not Minson words, Santa. Out here at the kennel we'd like some premium dog food this season, full of vitamins and minerals and meaty goodness to ensure our bark isn't worse than our bite.
What new West Coast coach Adam Simpson wouldn't give for a fit Nic Naitanui… Picture: AFL Media
