We predict predictions

OUR LADDER predictor is a very fine thing, and an excellent means of whiling away an hour or two in the office when you should be doing something useful, like playing Sudoku or cheering on someone you've never heard of in a sport that you normally don't give a rat's toss-bag about* at the Olympics. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, etc, etc, etc.

We tried a radical plan – picking every match for the rest of the season as a draw. Lo and behold, the ladder remained as is. Should have predicted that. Try as we might, we couldn't get the Demons into the finals, or the Cats finishing 12th, but we did successfully predict that Michael Phelps would be a complete plonker.

Teamwork, Port style

THANKS to Choco 'Mark' Williams for revealing the simplest way to judge if Port Adelaide players are on song. Carlton's Andrew Walker suggested after the Blues' big win that Power players were disinterested and began fighting with each other in frustration. Not so, says Choco. We fight when we're winning, too.

So that "true Port Adelaide tradition" is going the biff with your mates, it appears. Rival teams should be mightily a-feared when the Power boys are ripping into each other before the first bounce and performing nasty ippons* (judo term ... see above) on each other on the 50m line.

High fives after a goal? Nup. A swift gaylord* (gymnastics term ... see above) to the solar plexus, if not something worse. A cheerful rendition of the club song in the rooms after the match? More like a scrum of blokes trying to give each other grand amplitudes* (wrestling term ... etc) and atomic wedgies (wrestling term ... and so on).

Applications, with full resume, care of Carlton FC

THE NAB AFL Rising Star award reveals much about a young footballer. His skill. His will to win. His exciting future. His misogyny.

Okay, maybe misogyny is a bit harsh when talking about young Blue Shaun Grigg. Perhaps "his slightly old-fashioned view of gender boundaries". Grigg, the round 19 Rising Star nominee, shares a house with fellow Blues Michael Jamieson and Sam Jacobs. All's good, except for one thing ...

"We're on the hunt for a girlfriend so the cooking and cleaning gets done a bit better." Hmmm. Let's hope they can find "a girlfriend" – or better still, three of them – like "The Girlfriend" in that booze ad. The kind of girl who'll iron their scanties while wearing her scanties, and won't get 'jay-loose' if the Blue boys go clubbing after a match.

Robbo's starry-eyed

GREAT news that Russell Robertson is recovering well from his serious achilles injury. As Robbo has learned, it takes two achilles tendons to head off towards the stratosphere, as he is wont to do.

Given his track record, perhaps he could spend his spare time putting in a bid for another TV reality show, Dancing with the 'Stars'. He's apparently already thrown away the moonboot, but he could bring it back for a Michael Jackson-style routine.

According to Melbourne football operations manager Ross Monaghan, Robbo is already Walking with the Stars and Swimming with the Stars. As for Playing with the Stars, a cruel column might suggest an end-of-season trade is required. Fortunately, we're not.

What to look for this Tuesday on afl.com.au

Burgo's brainstorming

Matthew Burgan, who has a lovely bunch of coconuts, nominates his Team of the Week, and puts them all neatly in position so you don't have to. Thoughtful lad.

Talk fest

Coaches, and/or their nominated representatives, from North Melbourne, Port Adelaide, Richmond and the Sydney Swans, will say nothing at all about the Olympics at various media conferences.

The views in this story are those of the author and not necessarily those of the clubs or the AFL