Okay this week’s review. We lost. End of review. I recommend this to the coaching staff also. Move on, nothing to see here, please, move on. Crowds accomplish little and slow down the cars. I want to speed ahead to this week’s game! But before I do I must mention four kids. Tex, Marc, Setanta and Bryce (never thought I could say the word Bryce without smirking but it’s becoming one of my favourite names now) take a bow. You too Mr .Wiggins.

So we arrive. Essendon! Ahhh people let me explain a simple Ghostly fact. I hate Essendon more than I hate paying taxes. I hate Essendon more than parking inspectors. I hate them more than Politicians who lie and sell our country to the highest bidder. Well okay maybe not the last but I do hate them.

While I have been known to scream abuse at an umpire I do wait until they have crucified the boys in blue - for example there is a tackle Tex laid on Gary Ablett, such a long tackle I was able to reread the entire footy record twice but it seems in these Geisham times (you know as that footy scribe Charlie Dickens once said while writing about a Carlton V Collingwood grand final, ‘they were the best of times… they were the worst of times’ only with ‘The Geish’ you leave out the best of part) a bloke can hold the ball for a week so long as: a) he is standing and b) he does not play for Carlton. Where does the holding the ball rule state the player with the ball is not holding the ball if he stays on his feet?

Anyway the point is, I scream at umpires only when they deserve it (which is often) but with Essendon, with Essendon I simply scream. They exist ergo I hurl abuse. It’s something to do with the First Law of Thermodynamics I think.

So I am resting my voice this week – the kids think its holidays…Oh hang on it is the holidays…well you get the point. I am at rest because this weekend we play Essenscum (their real name, known to Carlton which is why we have power over them (though apparently Parkin never received the fax telling him their secret name in ’93) and I know that before the first bounce some twit in red and black will cry out to the heavens ‘Hirdy!’ By the way had anyone seen the film Birdy? Hirdy plays like that mad twerp Birdy Tweet! Tweet! Some champions just make me ill; Birdy-Hirdy is one of them.

So here’s 10 things I hate about Essenscum, stick it on your fridge and recite every time you get some milk. Recite and build the rage. Stoke the fires. Breathe the hate. We play them this week and I expect every single bluebagger to bring their best voice for this game. It’s on! Our glorious Navy Blue Heaven versus their Red and Black Hell (red and black = black and white with the white stained through permanent internal bleeding - they have no heart, only a hip pocket and Sheedy’s homespun twisting of facts into some sort of cosmic imbalance that no one in the media gets!).

10 reasons to hate Essendon.

1)They are coached by Kevin (Go sell it on the mountain) Sheedy.

2)Matthew (the grass is always greener) Llyod is their captain, replacing ‘The Earman’, Birdy-Hirdy.

3)Their nickname and song – the Bombers pffft. Shouldn’t it be the rockets, linguistically speaking? And who in their right mind wants a symbol of death and destruction, an image of war, a reminder to the millions of poor souls who have lost brave sons, husbands, wives and children to that whistling shriek of death as their symbol. Oh great, we celebrate war ‘cos we are heartless twats!

4)Have I mentioned Kevin (every game is named) Sheedy?

5)Geoff Blethem and the entire ’68 football team, staff, boot studders and volunteers for their poor sportsmanship in whining like abused dogs that Lofts held Geoff’s jumper (the one time an umpire has ever got it right, oh wait, that and that Harmsey punch that was clearly in).

6)The infliction upon my sacred blue soul of Windy Hill. Catching the train after a game there was fraught with danger because the thugs that are Essensum would wait on that bridge every time they lost, and considering I barrack for Carlton that was most times!

7)Inflicting Paul Salmon upon us as a media personality only matched in recent times by inflicting Matthew Lloyd upon us – what is it with Essensum players and whining, high-pitched voices?

8)Have I mentioned Kevin (I must be a super coach, let me list the reasons) Sheedy?

9)That slash for a jumper. I hate all jumpers that have a slash or have a V or stripes or animals or anything really except a glorious white CFC on a navy blue background

10)That goal umpire in the ’93 Grand Final – it was touched ya mug! How much did they pay ya?

*Special mention to Kevin (topsy-turvy, Mr Potato Head, Cat in a Red and Back Hat) Sheedy.

So this week we play them. They are undefeated! Oh how sweet the universe sometimes is. It feels a bit like ’99 prelim (a wonderful day that – and I hope there is at least one Bummer’s supporter reading this). They’ll run out with chests puffed out like those silly fluffy pigeons, all feathers and hollow bones. But we’ll bring them back to earth, oh what a grand thud it will be! Essendon dreams end like a T.S. Elliot poem ‘not with a bang but a whimper…’ which is apt really. They play for the hollow team. Never our nemeses more an itch we must scratch and scratch we will this weekend. (in a Bronx accent) We’ll murder da mugs!’

Go Blues!

Fev to bag 10 and Scotty Lucas to turn so wide he’ll get lost in bay 13, never to be seen again.