The scene was poised for a thrilling debate on the theme: 'That football has become too big for its boots'.
Captain of the affirmative team, comedian Corinne Grant, argued in favour, not least on account of the wives and girlfriends on display at events like the Brownlow Medal count.
"If it were up to me, WAGs would be turning up to the Brownlow wearing scarves and beanies and with a mouth full of pies," Grant said.
She conveyed the story of the local butcher in the country town she grew up in, who was a member of the footy team despite having one glass eye.
He took a great speccie during one game, causing the match to be halted for half-an-hour while the players from both sides searched for the eye, which had been dislodged and somehow found itself in the opposing ruckman's shorts.
"That’s what football's all about, two teams pulling together to find another man's eye," Grant implored.
Captain for the negative, Lawrence ‘The Moon Man’ Mooney warned to "never confuse the art with the artist" in citing all-too-frequent player indiscretions.
In Mooney’s view, footy needs to be big – the pie industry relies on it.
"Where else would you find the wholesale distribution of food otherwise unfit for human consumption take place under the guise of a cultural experience?" he said.
The AFL, a business that only trades on weekends for 26 weeks of the year, was such a brilliant world model for economic restraint, success and equity that it was simply not big enough.
Speaker for the affirmative Adam Rozenbachs, of Spicks and Specks fame, took issue with Mooney’s argument, suggesting that if the AFL was fair dinkum it would introduce heritage prices during Heritage Round.
Changing protagonists' names for the "protection of the innocent", he referred to the decision to ban umbrellas from major winter sporting grounds as preposterous.
"When was the last time Allan Demetriou sat in the rain?" he asked. "And, more importantly: How are we supposed to keep Collingwood supporters at bay?"
Former Essendon ruckman Steven Alessio refuted that football had become too big for its boots, citing an article by The Australian journalist Patrick Smith in which he was described as moving more slowly than a telegraph pole. It was just one of many slights he received during his playing career.
"Being a player in the AFL makes sure you don’t get ahead of yourself," Alessio said.
Entertainer Denise Scott referred to Carlton player Brendon Fevola's behaviour following his final match of the season to mount her case. Subjected to the ground invasion of thousands of fans celebrating Hawk Buddy Franklin’s 100th season goal, while himself falling one goal short, Scott said wearing a woman's nightie in public was a perfectly understandable response from Fevola.
She did, however, fear the ramifications of going out to a city bar for a quiet drink, only to find herself being hit on the head by all manner of objects.
"Not only is football too big for its boots," she argued, "but it's too big for its pants and its girlfriend’s frocks," as well.
Comedian of 40 years Rod Quantock stated his case simply: "God gave us football because it is the greatest game in the world."
Relating his childhood, when he and his brother would fill a sock with newspaper to use as a football, Quantock said football was in his blood. He takes delight in the fact that he played in a 1967 grand final for the same local club in Essendon that Alessio once played for.
Football – God’s game – was not big enough, Quantock said, because only 0.073 per cent of the world’s population followed it.
Despite surmising that football was responsible for great medical discoveries, such as the hamstring and the groin – attributing AFL chief executive Andrew Demetriou to developing the complaint osteitis pubis – Lawrence Mooney's concluding comments failed to convince the audience to share his team's position.
The affirmative side was announced the clear winner, the 2008 Great Grand Final Comedy Debate determining once and for all that – love it or hate it – football had become too big for its boots.
