1: With friends like these ...
CHAD Cornes. What a guy. Skilful, tough, uncompromising – the kind of teammate you would want to have with you in the trenches etc etc (throw in your own unsuitable military metaphors here). Except if you have the temerity to be ... ummm ... a weed.
Like skinny little Nathan Krakouer, who rolled up to Port Adelaide pre-season training last year daring to weigh just 66kgs (four stones, seven pounds) while measuring 182cm (six feet, 19 in). Naturally Cornesy pulled the young fella aside, chucked a couple of dumbbells in his hands, tousled his hair and took him off to the gym for some team bonding over the bench-press thingy.
Yeah, right. Cornes ran straight off to coach Mark Williams, slapped down $1000 (is that a monkey? A pony? A gorilla?) and declared that Choco could keep it if young Nathan ever played an AFL game. Now, we're not suggesting that Williams picked Krakouer to debut in round one of 2007 just to snaffle Cornes' aardvark (Koala? Yucca moth?). We are suggesting that Cornes might want to fluff up the welcome mat a little more enthusiastically.
2: Happy in the service
THE CHAD might want to take some lessons from the chaps down at the Cattery, where goodwill to all men is rife. Gazza Ablett says he'd be delighted to take over as captain sometime in the future, but only if his teammates want him to. And Jimmy Bartel says he would like nothing better than for Gaz to win this year's Brownlow.
Meanwhile, GA the Second says we shouldn't hold our breaths waiting for brother Nathan to return to footy. "He's just doing a bit of travelling with his friends at the moment, just trying to find his feet and figure out what he wants to do in life, that's the most important thing." Perhaps we can help. We think his feet might be at the end of his legs.
3: There will be blood
NEW MELBOURNE chairman Jim Stynes had to hold back tears on Thursday night after being installed in the position in a "bloodless coup". Melbourne's position on the ladder is reason enough to break down sobbing, but here at The Four Points we're just waiting about for a "bloody coup".
Rather than leave gracefully, outgoing chairman Paul Gardner could have barricaded himself in his office surrounded by fellow directors wielding AK47s and ski stocks with sharp stuff stuck on them, and taken on the Stynes forces. Just like (here we will insert our own unsuitable military metaphor) the Battle of the Boyne.
4: Spitting image
BAZZA'S back. Not Big Bad Bustling Barry Hall, but Benign Beautiful Bambi Barry. He's returned a new man from his enforced rest from football after sending Brent Staker unwillingly into the Land of Nod in round four, fitter and friendlier than ever.
Baz admits there were "a few personal things" that got under his skin and contributed to him getting his fist over Staker's skin in the chinnal region. But now they are all being dealt with, and Barry's keen to try to change his image.
Perhaps a Carson Kressley makeover is in order. Because, while we would never suggest that Hall's shaven noggin, bulging muscles and tatts make him look anything other than a cuddly little teddy bear, he could probably do with a little softening around the edges. A nice ginger wig like Cameron Ling's, a Terry Wallace tan, a guest spot on How To Look Good Naked, and we have a full-blown metrosexual on our hands.
What to look out for on afl.com.au this Friday
The Doc is in session
Dr Dream Team is on day release with one of those nice electronic bands on his ankle, and he has been able put his incisive medical mind and the crayons he's allowed to use to solving your DT problems. Yes, yours.
The future is here. Now.
Jason Phelan, whose life ambition is to row solo across Albert Park Lake without oxygen, will test the football climate with his Footy Forecast.
Football
Yep. For the 12th successive week, you can keep up with what's happening in the Friday night match on afl.com.au. We're here all year.
