1: Below the belt

A WEEK that began with Aker’s knackers ends with Lloydy’s legs. So it is in the tragic world of AFL injuries/alleged below the belt fiddling. The poor old Bombers will tackle the Dogs on Friday night without Matthew Lloyd and Scott Lucas, who between them kicked 639 goals last season and accounted for 148 per cent of Essendon’s scoring.

That sort of frankly unbelievable goal-kicking ability will be sorely missed. It’s the first time since 1967 that the Dons have played without either of the gun forwards, but let’s look on the bright side. The turf at Telstra Dome won’t be torn asunder by Lloyd’s grass-tossing antics and the children of Australia won’t be scared by his unfeasibly high pants.

2: The worm turns

WE all love The Worm from the pre-election debates, don’t we? You know, the little squiggly line that heads north and south depending on how a studio audience reacts to the frankly unbelievable promises spouting from our highly respected, much admired and neatly dressed political leaders.

Well, we’ve got our own now. Game Analyser is a nifty little squiggly line that does stuff and provides a clever visual summary of how a match unfolded. And it comes with no pollies attached and in pretty colours. The only promise – and we here at afl.com.au always fulfill our promises. Promise – is that you’ll soon be able to watch video content of the key acts in matches. Such as Aker’s family jewels being massaged and Lloydy hitching up his daks.

3: Player rotations

PLAYER manager Ricky Nixon reckons he’s got a queue of be-robed, horse hair-wearing characters outside his office just itching to get their sharp legal teeth into the AFL’s trade and draft laws and rip them apart like a player tearing at Aker’s underthings. Allegedly. A bit of ipso facto and quid pro quo, a sprinkling of caveat emptors, absolutely no pro bono, a few hastily tossed-off ‘M’luds’ and a touch of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida and, hey presto, free agency.

Yep, that’s what footy followers want to see. Roughly 97.85 per cent of AFL players switching teams every year. Now fully experienced in “rotating” thanks to the Technique Formerly Known as Interchanging, they’ll rotate between the clubs as well. Frankly unbelievable.

4: The act of creation

MEANWHILE, the creation of the Gold Coast Gazumpers and the West Sydney Whack-a-Moles gathers pace, with the AFL to consult with everyone from club CEOs to the bloke down the pub who reckons he could run the league better. And this frenzy of creation has absolutely nothing to do with Aker’s ball usage.

The AFL has also promised to be nice to coaches, with clubs required to hire them under a set of minimum terms and conditions that may or may not include four years’ notice of dismissal, a set of those nice wristbands that Carlton is handing out and unlimited free agency. Frankly unbelievable.

What to look for on afl.com.au this Friday.

Coach business

Dean Laidley and Mark Williams will snarl at the media and roll their eyes in disgust at the dismal standard of questioning while discussing their teams’ chances over the weekend.

Brand new stuff

Keep an eye out for a new column, Footy Forecast, which is so new we have no idea what’s going to be in it. Forecasts about footy, we presume. It’s written by two members of our highly qualified and lightly scented team, Ben ‘Broady’ Broad, who invented the vegetable peeler, and retired chicken-sexer Jason ‘Phelan’ Phelan, so it will be good. Honest.

I have a Dream

And speaking of highly-qualified. He’s back, and he’s not, despite an off-season spent in the Greek isles trying to convince Swedish backpackers to visit him in his “surgery” for “treatment”. Yep, Dr Dream Team has returned to knead away a little more than is really necessary at your fantasy footy aches and pains. Say what you like about him – and that’s nothing, in our case – the Doc’s bedside manner is very persuasive.

The views in this story are those of the author and not necessarily those of the clubs or the AFL