1: Believe it or not
THAT mighty confectionary product the Mars Bar (memo Mr Mars: a carton of your best bars, please, in return for the following gratuitous mentions) is going to fuel Tasmania's Brave Little Bid (BLB) for a licence to join the AFL.
Tassie's Economic Development Minister Paula Wriedt managed to note, despite a mouth stuffed full of a delicious confection of nougat, almonds, caramel and chocolate, that the state's BLB was receiving strong financial backing. Indeed, the BLB was getting a tasty $4 million worth of sweeeeet assistance.
But what's this about a name change? Just as Geelong's Garry Hocking became Whiskas for one tragic, ill-advised week of his life, and a whole host of Nazi war criminals became nice Senor Alfonso Gomez of Paraguay, the iconic chockie bar is becoming the Believe bar for the month of September.
The Believe bar? The Believe bar? What next? Will the Snickers bar become the Positive Affirmation bar? It's all too much for us here at The Four Points, who just want to work, rest and play. What's that? Someone has pointed out that the Twix bar might be a better fit for the Tasmanian bid, given that there are two of them in each packet. The Double-Header bar, anyone?
2: No issues, no tissues
EXPECT lots of good body language from the Fev this weekend now that he's slipped a nice three-year $2 million-or-thereabouts contract down his shorts. And especially since Carlton's interim president, Sticks "Mane of Ebony, Voice of Thunder" Kernahan has said Fev has told the club he won't have any more "issues", whatever they might be.
"He's confirmed to the football club that he'll be very well behaved for the next three years," said President Sticks. An issue-less, well-behaved Fev will be nice to dry cleaners, will check fire extinguishers by looking at the little tag attached by the nice men in the yellow jackets instead of by shooting them off, and will use a different liquid to clean restaurant windows late at night. Guaranteed.
3: Code violation
WE THINK it's time the AFL stepped in to stop the rapid descent of footballers' on-field behaviour. First Jimmy Bartel kisses the badge on his shirt after kicking a goal. Then Essendon's Kyle "Boots" Reimers does one of those shooshing gestures at the crowd with his finger to his mouth after banging one through the middle. We're talking soccer celebrations here, folks.
Please god, we don't want to see Luke Hodge doing the "cradling the baby" celebration if he snags one against the Pies on Friday night. Or Stephen Milne doing a quadruple backflip with pike after hooking one over his shoulder, on his wrong foot, while doing a headstand and singing Auld Lang Syne in Swedish. Especially after taking a mark one metre out, dead in front.
4: G-Train back on the track
HAPPY days for those of us who like our footballers grumpy, chunky, and highly unlikely to celebrate a six-pointer with a whacky robot dance around the goal umpire. The G-Train is over his G-Strain and is off the long-term injury list.
We've missed big Fraser's gentle demeanour. His friendly greeting to on-field opponents. His soft, baby-smooth cheeks. His incredibly tight shorts. But sadly the G's return to training is unlikely to mean he'll grace the AFL football field again this season. He's just been brought back onto the main list to provide cover for possible further injuries to key forwards. G-Whiz.
What to look for this Friday on afl.com.au
A game
The Pies will be busting blocks again this weekend, this time against the Hawks in the battle of the large and moderately aggressive birds. You'll catch all the action right here. Bless our hearts.
No locum required
Dr Dream Team has performed his last prostate inspection for the week, whipped open his Bumper Book of Medical Stuff to the page marked Dream Team and written down a good many words, some of which he's actually thought about.
Isobars and things
Jason Phelan, the inventor of Cup-A-Soup, has pondered climate change and issued a deeply-disturbing Footy Forecast.
