It’s alright. I’m a doctor. Dr Cyclops.
Let me help you.
The diagnosis is simple.
You are suffering from Finals Fever.
Unfortunately, you have a particularly virulent strain, Magpie Finals Fever. Twenty years ago, this was a widespread affliction, with a many branches of major hospitals, like the Herald Sun, completely devoted to its treatment and study.
But the incidence of the disease declined during the 1990s and expertise in this important field was shamefully neglected.
We are indeed fortunate that medical experts such as myself ae still available to pass on our hard won knowledge of this unique condition.
Mapie Finals Fever is a troubling seasonal malaise. Patients are unable to think of anything but Collingwood.
They are often unable to perform simple tasks at work, spending long hours reading sporting pages, taking phone calls from fellow sufferers or gazing off into space daydreaming about winning goals and Tarrant marks on the lead inside 50.
Operating heavy machinery becomes dangerous. Family members not suffering finals fever can often find their loved one totally cut off from any conversations not pertaining to football and Collingwood.
Nothing else in life seems as important. Sex, work, the fate of the soul of modern mankind, the washing at the laundromat, the pan of oil on the stove all become secondary concerns, relegated to incidental interruptions to total immersion in the wellbeing of Shane Wakelin’s groin/hamstring/left ear lobe and whether Woewodin will start in the centre square or take Pike on the wing again.
Unfortunately, the only known cure is Collingwood playing the next game. This is of little benefit to Magpie strain sufferers, whose main complaint is usually ‘how much longer can this week go on?’ The main symptom is the feeling that time has been elongated.
Many patients also feel that there is not enough information on Collingwood available in the media. The sufferer has an insatiable appetite for anything to do with the Collingwood football club.
Here, modern depth psychology and cutting edge media technology can be brought to bear. So let Dr Cyclops, a barracking professional and fellow sufferer, suggest a few measures to assist you in this difficult time.
1.
Go deeper into collingwoodfc.com.au.
There are nooks and crannies of this site that even Cyclops doesn’t know about. Have a delve into the history section, aim some research at past Ask The Coaches column…you may find the answer to one of your burning questions is right under your nose.
Collingwood staff and players have opened up as never before this year and most of the weekly information here is much more detailed than for other teams.
And you might not know it, but every click on this site is a click for goodness instead of evil…the Pies make money if we have the most popular site.
2.
Go to training.
It features Collingwood players, up close and personal. It’s at Vic Park. Need I say anymore?
12 noon, Fridays.
3.
Use your Green Guide wisely.
Grab a fluorescent marker and get into the fine print of the Green Guide. Sport 927 from 5.30 to 9am, Fox Footy throughout the day, Sports Tonight on 3AW from 6 to 8pm, Channel 10’s lengthy sport report at 5.40…
The more you look and listen, the more Collingwood you will see and hear. Try the inside of the back pages of free weekly newspaper The Melbourne Times, where there is a Collingwood columnist.
Seek out Magpie fanzine Hot Pies…linger around 774 AM for their sport segments 5.30 Fridays…it doesn’t matter how poorly written or ill advised any of the comments are, it’s quantity that counts, the filling in of massive tracts of time and even copping the opinions of people you disrespect or disagree with at least means you are discussing COLLINGWOOD.
4.
Talk to people like Dr Cyclops
Fellow Collingwood fan sufferers. They will tell you vital things like the following:
Collingwood’s finals record on the 6th of the 9th:
1902: lost semi final, but went on to win the flag.
1958: lost second semi final to Melbourne, but went on to win the flag!
1980: Collingwood 14.20 (104) d North Melbourne 13.17 (95)
2002: Collingwood 16.12 (108) d Port Adelaide 14.11 (95)
Or how about considering the record of the finalists against each other during the year? Have you wondered why Port finished three games clear on top of the ladder, when no-one them considers red hot favourites?
This might explain it. I have assigned 1 point for a win against a fellow finalist and 3 points if the game is won on the road.
4 Essendon 4/6
The Bombers beat Collingwood, Freo, Brisbane and West Coast, but all in Melbourne. They lost four times away and twice at home.
8 West Coast 4/6
West Coast beat Collingwood and West Coast away, when they were flying earlier in the season. All but two of their losses were in away games.
10 Adelaide 6/6
Until the last three weeks, the Crows had put together a pretty impressive season. They beat Sydney and West Coast away. The Eagles were crippled with injuries, but any win a Subiaco is worthy.
5 Fremantle 4/6
Freo may have knocked off some bottom feeding battlers on the road, but all their wins against top eight teams came at home.
10 Sydney 6/5
Beat us and Brisbane on the road. As good a season as anyone.
6 Brisbane 4/7
Just a so-so performance from the Lions on the road this year. Their only victory away from home was against us, when they played a virtual final in round 19.
10 Collingwood 6/6
We nailed Sydney and Adelaide on the road when both were formidable. Our finish to the season is unsurpassed, overcoming three top eight teams in succession. Very interesting that, in the second half of the fxture, teams have struggled the next week after playing us, testimony to our hardness.
10 Port Adelaide 8/2
Good win on the road against Brisbane, but that’s it. Far from dominating performance when you consider that Port has played only two top eight teams away from home. If they win both home finals, as expected, they will go into the Grand Final having played 9 games against top teams at home and only 3 away. Hmmmmm….
There…you're another fifteen minutes closer to the bounce…
