CAPTAINCY isn't a completely serious business, as we discovered at the AFL Captains Day at the MCG on Friday.
With six clubs appointing new captains, we asked all the newcomers present what they would do better than their predecessors.
The first-year skippers fulfilled our light-hearted request with great relish, happily dishing the dirt on their former captains.
They playfully claimed they would be upgrades in various ways, including looks, fashion sense, communication style, and even commitment to the club.
They also revealed whether they planned to call heads or tails, the result of which was a flip of the coin.
Rory Sloane (Adelaide)
Taylor Walker was the Crows' solo leader for three seasons before being joined in the top job by good mate Rory Sloane, and the newcomer has definite ideas for improvement.
"Well, for a start, I'll have better hair," Sloane said.
"Over the years Tex has rocked a mullet, and now he's got short hair and there's a few greys breaking through too. So I'll keep my blond hair long and lush and put him to shame."
Sloane also plans a carpark revolution.
"I won't be as fussy as Tex about where I park my car at the club," he said.
"He rolls with the same carpark every week. Maybe he thinks it's the captain's carpark. If that's the case he'll need to share it with his co-captain.
"He's there first so he gets first dibs, so I might have to start getting up half-hour earlier to steal his spot."
Heads or tails?
"I lost two in a row in our JLT games with tails, so I'll flip that and go with heads."
Patrick Cripps (Carlton)
For Patrick Cripps – who shares the Blues' captaincy with Sam Docherty after veteran Marc Murphy relinquished the role – it's all about fashion. Both the good and the bad of it.
"Murph loves kitting up for the Brownlow and he scrubs up all right, so I can't outdo him there. He loves being the centre of attention, but I won't be trying to draw as much attention to myself as he does," he said.
"But he doesn't always wear the best clothes. For Christmas he got the same pyjamas as his missus (Jessie) and his little boy (Max). They were Christmas-themed onesies. I will never be caught doing that."
Heads or tails?
"I can't give that away. It could be the momentum-changer of round one (against Richmond)."
Jarrod Witts (Gold Coast)
Gold Coast giant Jarrod Witts, who shares the Suns' captaincy with David Swallow, couldn't resist a cheeky dig at previous co-captains Tom Lynch (now at Richmond) and Steven May (Melbourne), who last year quit the club for Victorian clubs.
Witts, who in January signed a five-year contract extension that ties him to the Suns until 2024, ribbed the departed duo for not making a similar commitment.
"That's easy," Witts chuckled when asked what he'd do better than Lynch and May. "I plan to stay at the Gold Coast. I plan to actually see out my contract."
Heads or tails?
"Tails never fails in New South Wales. I captained a few cricket teams and also the Sydney Uni under-18 team and always called tails."
Ben Stratton (Hawthorn)
New Hawthorn skipper Ben Stratton plans to take a more chilled-out approach than predecessor Jarryd Roughead.
"Roughy's got OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) with cleaning, but I won't follow his lead with that," Stratton said.
"If he sees something out of place he can't just leave it be – he just has to tidy up. Well I'm the opposite to that.
"I couldn't have handled being Roughy's room-mate (for interstate games) – it'd be a nightmare. He couldn't have handled me, either.
"I've been on a few trips away with him in the off-season and I've roomed with him and he just shakes his head at how I operate. I'd just leave things out for him – a half-eaten bit of something – and I'd just watch him pick it up and look at it and scratch his head.
"I want people to be reasonably tidy but I also want them to do what they do."
Heads or tails?
"Whatever I feel like at the time."
Tom Jonas (Port Adelaide)
Tom Jonas, the Power's joint captain alongside Ollie Wines, is a no-nonsense player and person who says he'll keep things simpler than former skipper Travis Boak.
"I probably won't sell my soul for free stuff as much as Boaky does. He doesn't mind putting up a topless photo (on social media) if it means he'll get something out of it," Jonas said.
"And I won't have as many superstitions as Boaky does, either. He's very particular about what he eats and his little activities pre-game, but I'm more relaxed – I could roll out of the car 10 minutes before the bounce and just jog out, no worries."
Heads or tails?
"Heads. When I was captain in juniors, I always called heads. It's a habit."
Luke Parker (Sydney)
Luke Parker and Dane Rampe have joined Josh Kennedy as Sydney's co-captains, and Parker quipped that some personality would return to the role.
"Obviously I've got Josh covered in terms of looks and appearance. I'm clearly better looking than he is," Parker said.
"And I'll make my point a lot quicker. When he's trying to make a point he has a habit of taking a long, drawnout pause to think, sometimes for about 30 seconds or a minute, before he speaks again. I'm going to cut to the chase a lot quicker."
Heads or tails?
"Heads. I've done two coin tosses in my time and won both with heads, so I'll stick with a winning formula."