| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | Richie Douglas needs a cricket box to play footy... | … Sando will be delving into the club’s cricket kit bag for a helmet, should the Crows remain winless.. |
| Brisbane Lions | the Lions hadn’t been so poorly run in recent years and hadn’t lost nearly all relevance in the south-east Queensland sporting market... | … we’d care about the Q Clash. But we don’t and desperately want a reason why we should. |
| Carlton | people haven’t got it by now... | ... it is time they did. Mick Malthouse can be bristly at a post-match press conference. And you know what? It’s actually OK if he is. |
| Collingwood | the Magpies sealed contracts with star players many, many, many weeks ago and everyone knew they had... | … you have to wonder why they had to stage-manage their “exclusive” announcements this week on their own media platforms. |
| Essendon | James Hird was coach... | … would Courtenay Dempsey have been stood down? Maybe. Maybe not. But one thing is absolutely certain: Bomber Thompson is doing things HIS way. |
| Fremantle | it was fair that Nat Fyfe was suspended this week, and it was.. | ...it is only fair that the AFL redefines what it is to be the “fairest” player under Brownlow Medal eligibility. |
| Geelong | Stevie J hadn't been forced to play as a forward for so long while Ablett, Bartel and co. forged midfield careers... | ...he would’ve also been viewed as a midfield great. Might still add that status to the one he already has of being a forward line great. |
| Gold Coast | there's one Sun who looks like he’s ready for a big, breakout season... | ...it's David Swallow. |
| Greater Western Sydney | Phil Davis can get back to playing AFL this year... | ... it will be a bigger shock than the result of the game in which he sustained his serious injury. |
| Hawthorn | footy players, and the PR spinners, want a blueprint for how to take the heat out of a simmering storyline… | … Jordan Lewis provided it this week. Admit a bit of an error, have a laugh about it, everyone moves on. It’s really not that hard. |
| Melbourne | Mt Buller management wasn’t already highly euphoric after the Dees opening two efforts this year... | ...they will be in the event of a loss to GWS. That could see the joint sell out. |
| North Melbourne | it takes a little man who happens to be a month shy of his 36th birthday to single-handedly extricate his football club from all sorts of trouble against an ordinary opponent... | ...2014 will be more of the disappointing same. |
| Port Adelaide | you can bottle what Port Adelaide has got... | ...can you send us a case? Please. |
| Richmond | Shaun Hampson keeps running into his own teammates on an AFL field... | ...he might soon be running into his own teammates on a VFL field. |
| St Kilda | there is one thing this column loves... | ...it is a kid who has a red-hot crack and backs himself. Well done, Eli Templeton. It’ll get a whole lot harder but hope you can keep it up. |
| Sydney Swans | the Swans keep telling us there is nothing to see here and move on... | ...it is time they actually proved that. Our big doubts remain. |
| West Coast | all other clubs revisited the 2010 draft... | ...there wouldn’t be a fat black texta line through Jack Darling’s name on their recruiting target lists. |
| Western Bulldogs | this sounds like a cracked record... | ...it is. 24 touches and three goals between three key forwards will not win you matches. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
