1: Band aid solution
THOSE jolly japesters from Princes Park are at it again. Not content with sending the football world into paroxysms of convulsive laughter by losing 14 matches in a row, now the Blues are bonding/banding together by making miscreants who do something wussie wear wristbands with the charming phrase “Harden the F--- Up.”
We had hoped for the sake of our tender sensibilities that it read “Harden the Ruck Up,” which would be a reasonable thing to suggest, but no … close viewing of the picture in Melbourne’s big paper proves that the words are more like something a porn movie director might order. Our suggestion: wristbands that read “Win a F---ing game.”
2: Turn that bloody thing down!
WHEN The Four Points was just A Little Behind, our mum used to follow the maxim “children should be seen, but not heard.” And so it was that we were locked in a broom closet for 23 hours a day with only a copy of The Footy Record and a wristband saying “Shut the F--- Up” for company. Lucky our mum wasn’t Paul Roos, or we’d have had a really rotten time.
Roosy wants to pass a metaphorical “Shut the F--- Up” wristband to the umpires, suggesting it was time they were de-miked, or unplugged or de-sexed. Or something. Gone are the happy days, according to Roos, when umpires would tell him where to run, or pass on a humourous criticism with a saucy wink of an eye. Being miked-up for telly’s buggered all that, he says. Our suggestion: stop televising footy.
3: Way out West
IT REALLY is the Wild West. According to Fremantle chief executive Cameron Schwab, there is a campaign in Perth to “run Chris Tarrant out of town". The last time we heard that phrase was during an episode of Gunsmoke which we saw during one of our rare forays out of the broom closet.
Tarrant loves Fremantle, says Schwab (who, by the by, is running himself out of town at the end of the season). And Taz himself is overflowing with unalloyed joy at being in Perth. "My lifestyle has probably changed a bit since I have been over here in Perth. In Melbourne I used to spend a fair bit of time eating out at restaurants and enjoying the Melbourne side of things,” Tarrant says. Yep, that’s a ringing endorsement if ever we’ve read one. Our suggestion: run him out of town.
4: A poultry final item
UMPIRE Scott McLaren’s stunning resemblance to the hen-picked Mr Tweedy from Chicken Run is undeniable. Hen-pecked! Chicken Run! Get it? Never mind. So three cheers to Macca for being the first umpire to closely resemble an animated character to officiate in 300 games.
McLaren, who ran fowl – ran fowl! – of Essendon’s James Hird back in 2004, will celebrate his milestone by getting on the nerves of Bomber supporters on Friday night at Telstra Dome. Our suggestion: don’t make a goog – goog! – of yourself and give the first free kick of the game to Jason “Chook” Laycock, who can then roost – roost! – a goal.
What to look for on afl.com.au this Thursday.
Teams, glorious teams
We’re first with all the teams for Not So Vicious Rivals Round. And if you don’t reckon we’re first, we’ll send Mick Gatto around to have a wee word.
Stats entertainment
Ya, we're goin' to Stats City, 'cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' to Stats City, gonna have some fun
Ya, we're goin' to Stats City, 'cause it's two to one
Ya, we're goin' to Stats City, gonna have some fun, now
Two stats for every boy
Plus Chance Bateman! And Brad Scott! And Footy Rainman!
Magpie stuff
Chairman Eddie is making a mysterious “announcement” at Collingwood HQ. Probably something about Chris Tarrant returning to the Magpies.
Adelaide stuff
Neil Craig will waggle his cleft chin and say interesting things about the Crows.
The views in this story are those of the author and not necessarily those of the clubs or the AFL.
