IF
 		THEN
 
Adelaide
 		we like one thing coming out of the Crows at the moment ...... it’s Phil Walsh's open mind and words when speaking to the media. You never know what you're going to get. Just hope it lasts.
Brisbane Lions
 		in four of the five games you’ve played this season, you've failed to kick more than nine goals ...... you're living a nightmare. Which isn't going to go away.
Carlton
 		you're a best-and-fairest winner and your team is getting smashed in your coach's record game ...... you might lay, say, one tackle, hey, Bryce?
Collingwood
 		you're Travis Cloke ...... you're calling Dunstall, Taylor, Lloyd, Lockett, Fevola on rotation 24-seven until one of them agrees to come and sort you out.
Essendon
 		you turn 40 on Thursday ...... apparently you can't expect to play in Perth on Saturday.
Fremantle
 		there's one man who typifies what Ross Lyon wants ...... it's Chris Mayne. 12 tackles last week as a key forward.
Geelong
 		we had to nominate the thing we're most looking forward to this weekend ...... it's Joel Selwood facing the Magpies. The Friday night stage is set for him to lead his team to an upset win.
Gold Coast
 		your vice-captain is the one making all the big calls internally and externally ...... he should be made captain. Now. Gaz doesn't appear he wants to keep the main job, either.
Greater Western Sydney

 		your average losing margin in the west is 96 points ......we're having a lot of trouble accepting you as a legitimate finals contender.
Hawthorn
 		you thought Cyril Rioli was quick ...... you should've seen Jordan Lewis when they offered him two weeks.
Melbourne
 		Jack Grimes thought life under Mark Neeld was tough ...... it's gone up a notch under Roosy. Captained this side as a 21-year-old, dropped from the senior team, again, this week.
North Melbourneyou get belted by 10 goals nearly every time you play a well-credentialled team ...... you have to change something. Very, very quickly.
Port Adelaide
 		Travis Boak was based in Melbourne ...... he'd be a rock star. Michael Hutchence levels.
Richmond
 		you have the best defender in the comp, and you're playing against one of the best power forwards ...... you'd think they'd be matched up. Rance, though, watched as Astbury got rag-dolled early by Hawkins.
St Kilda
 		you're Adam Schneider ...... you owe the Saints a win. Disastrous final moments last week against the Bombers.
Sydney Swans
 		our radar happens to be on the right wavelength ...... we're seeing a team that is not functioning in a manner that will challenge for a premiership.
West Coast
 		Josh Hill wants to be taken seriously in this competition ...... he's got to have more days out like last week, particularly against top sides.
Western BulldogsWill Minson is playing VFL and Ayce Cordy is staying in the AFL after just seven hitouts last week ...... something just doesn't seem right.


Click here for more Sliding Doors

Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian