| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | we like one thing coming out of the Crows at the moment ... | ... it’s Phil Walsh's open mind and words when speaking to the media. You never know what you're going to get. Just hope it lasts. |
| Brisbane Lions | in four of the five games you’ve played this season, you've failed to kick more than nine goals ... | ... you're living a nightmare. Which isn't going to go away. |
| Carlton | you're a best-and-fairest winner and your team is getting smashed in your coach's record game ... | ... you might lay, say, one tackle, hey, Bryce? |
| Collingwood | you're Travis Cloke ... | ... you're calling Dunstall, Taylor, Lloyd, Lockett, Fevola on rotation 24-seven until one of them agrees to come and sort you out. |
| Essendon | you turn 40 on Thursday ... | ... apparently you can't expect to play in Perth on Saturday. |
| Fremantle | there's one man who typifies what Ross Lyon wants ... | ... it's Chris Mayne. 12 tackles last week as a key forward. |
| Geelong | we had to nominate the thing we're most looking forward to this weekend ... | ... it's Joel Selwood facing the Magpies. The Friday night stage is set for him to lead his team to an upset win. |
| Gold Coast | your vice-captain is the one making all the big calls internally and externally ... | ... he should be made captain. Now. Gaz doesn't appear he wants to keep the main job, either. |
| Greater Western Sydney | your average losing margin in the west is 96 points ... | ...we're having a lot of trouble accepting you as a legitimate finals contender. |
| Hawthorn | you thought Cyril Rioli was quick ... | ... you should've seen Jordan Lewis when they offered him two weeks. |
| Melbourne | Jack Grimes thought life under Mark Neeld was tough ... | ... it's gone up a notch under Roosy. Captained this side as a 21-year-old, dropped from the senior team, again, this week. |
| North Melbourne | you get belted by 10 goals nearly every time you play a well-credentialled team ... | ... you have to change something. Very, very quickly. |
| Port Adelaide | Travis Boak was based in Melbourne ... | ... he'd be a rock star. Michael Hutchence levels. |
| Richmond | you have the best defender in the comp, and you're playing against one of the best power forwards ... | ... you'd think they'd be matched up. Rance, though, watched as Astbury got rag-dolled early by Hawkins. |
| St Kilda | you're Adam Schneider ... | ... you owe the Saints a win. Disastrous final moments last week against the Bombers. |
| Sydney Swans | our radar happens to be on the right wavelength ... | ... we're seeing a team that is not functioning in a manner that will challenge for a premiership. |
| West Coast | Josh Hill wants to be taken seriously in this competition ... | ... he's got to have more days out like last week, particularly against top sides. |
| Western Bulldogs | Will Minson is playing VFL and Ayce Cordy is staying in the AFL after just seven hitouts last week ... | ... something just doesn't seem right. |
Click here for more Sliding Doors
Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
