TOM, I'VE got something to tell you. It's time for us to part ways. It's not me, it's you.
I've been faithful. I've picked you in every form of Fantasy since 2010, even at the start of 2015 when you cost me enough money to make a prospective free agent blush.
I was there the night you notched your first ton against Collingwood at the Gabba in round 10, 2010.
I was there when you went on an insane streak in late 2011, scoring over 100 in EVERY SINGLE GAME from rounds 13-24.
I was there in round 18, 2014 when you brought your own football against the Suns and booted it around the Gabba for a couple of hours, notching up 31 kicks, 10 tackles, one goal and a remarkable 190 Fantasy points.
It was soon after this astonishing game that I watched on with pride as The Traders inducted you as just the second AFL Fantasy Pig – joining that snout of renown, Dane Swan.
That 2014 season was truly one for the ages. You played 18 games and scored less than 100 just three times (including 96 against Hawthorn in round one).
Your final eight games of the year delivered an average of 153.75. That meant a guaranteed 307 points each week for two months for every Fantasy coach who realised in time just how special you were.
When you jumped ship to Port over the recent off-season, I stayed loyal. Sure, you missed the JLT Community Series with knee soreness. But when you were named for round one against Freo, I was happy to fork out the $725,000 needed to put you in my midfield.
But then it all got very ugly, very quickly. I should have heeded the golden rule – never trust underdone bacon.
As the Power walloped the Dockers, you were stuck up forward and, most often, nowhere near the ball – 52 points was the damage.
An even worse number followed in round two, as your new club notched one of its gutsiest wins in the Fantasy-friendly surrounds of the SCG – just 33 points this time.
Round three, and I was sure you'd want to take your former Lions teammates to the cleaners. But it wasn't to be and when you finished with just 78, I knew that our time was up.
These opening round travesties represent your worst three-game Fantasy average since early 2010, and I'm afraid my pride and bank balance just can't handle the pain.
So, thanks for the good times, Tom. You've been nothing short of a Fantasy wonder. And I'm sure there's still a few muckraking scores down the track in your new sty.
But for now, that'll do Pig, that'll do.