IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors has returned for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

you were to package up the first half in round one against GWS with most of the third quarter against Richmond last week ...

THEN ...

it's pretty exciting. But it's amounted to nothing, and it's overdue that this club finds a way to win.

IF ..

Chris Fagan needs to implement a few measures to ensure the high-end talents of his players are fully utilised ...

THEN ...

I'd suggest this as a starting point: embrace the Craig McRae philosophy of "we want to be exciting, we want to be fun to watch". Too much power on this list for it not to reach a Grand Final. Very ordinary against the Dogs on Thursday night.

IF ...

Adam Saad is fully fit ...

THEN ...

outside of big Charlie and Crippa the argument could be mounted that he is the Blues' most important player. 

IF ...

you've been in the AFL system for 18 years, are 35 years old, have either won or placed in 14 best and fairest counts, have secured six All-Australian jackets, been awarded a Norm Smith Medal and also been voted by the coaches as the best player of a season ...

THEN ...

surely it is not possible to get even better. And yet somehow Scott Pendlebury is doing just that.

IF ...

The Langford Project worked so well last weekend (seven shots at goal for 5.2) ...

THEN ...

I'd be leaving Kyle in the goalsquare for Saturday night's game against St Kilda, even with Stringer and Weideman returning.

IF ...

others are bagging Luke Jackson and jumping off the Dockers ...

THEN ...

I'm not. Yet. Jackson to dominate the Derby and Freo to get their 2023 campaign underway.

IF ...

Danger's opening two matches have been more than OK ...

THEN ...

they have still both been well below his career par. Predicting the new skipper to be best afield to secure the reigning premier's first win since last year's Grand Final.

IF ...

there have been bigger names and better players at the Suns in their 13-year AFL life than David Swallow ...

THEN ...

there have been zero more loved, and none more important to culture. First Sun to reach 200 games. Has been paid very well for a long time, but the club is still in debt to him for what he has given up in rejecting countless offers from rivals. 

IF ...

since 1975 Leigh Matthews stands as the only non-key position forward to win a Coleman Medal ...

THEN ...

Toby Greene may join that legend this year. Four goals against Adelaide in round one, four against West Coast last Sunday. An old-fashioned player in so many ways, particularly his goal sense.

IF ...

round two's belting by the Swans was a second consecutive bad match day for the Hawks ...

THEN ...

it was nevertheless a good Day for Will. His standout best game of the 35 he has played.

IF ...

the hype on Jacob van Rooyen reached fever pitch late last season only to see him restricted to emergency status in Melbourne teams ...

THEN ...

I can only imagine the levels it will reach now that he's cracked it for a debut game. Have been told to believe the hype on this kid, a key forward taken with the Dees' first pick following their 2021 flag.

IF ...

Clarko wants to ramp things right up on the boundary line this weekend and even incorporate some push-ups and dance moves into his high-five, fist-pump and holding-the-ball routine of last Saturday night ...

THEN ...

provided it is accompanied by a third consecutive win, surely no one would criticise this week. Hello Caro! 

IF ...

it was good Port Adelaide in round one and very bad Port Adelaide in week two ...

THEN ...

could the real Port Adelaide please stand up this weekend? No idea which one we'll get, and even less of an idea if the good one is sustainable anyway.

IF ...

the alarm bells started ringing when Dusty was subbed out late in round two ...

THEN ...

they tolled even louder when 'general soreness' was given as the reason for his unavailability for Friday's match against Collingwood. Please don't let it be another serious hamstring.

IF ...

footy players were ASX stocks ...

THEN ...

I'm buying up every one of Mattaes Phillipou. Love his confidence, love even more his ability to impact games of footy at just 18 years of age. 

IF ...

big Bud is fit and not suspended ...

THEN ...

big Bud plays. Every single week. That's my view anyway. Yes, McDonald and Amartey looked really good last Sunday without him. And their time will come. But there will never be another player like Bud, and even if the 2023 version of him is a mere shadow of his 2008-18 best, by mere mortal standards, it's still very good.

IF ...

this club still possesses the pride it once had ...

THEN ...

it will use last Sunday's belated win (just its third in 28 matches) to re-establish itself. The former Eagles wouldn't have tolerated the 2022 season. Don't need to win the Derby, but they need to have an old-fashioned crack.

IF ...

all the great midfielders are lined up on the wall and I've got one pick ...

THEN ...

I'm still taking Bont. As I would have for every season since 2015. He's still the best. There was no way he was walking off Marvel Stadium on Thursday night without the W.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

I've been a very regular critic of soft sanctions for on-field player indiscretions ...

THEN ...

a massive well done to this point of this season. The charge-bump issue was dealt with properly in round one, the sling tackle in round two.