IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

Matty Nicks doesn’t tag Nick Daicos on Sunday ...

THEN ...

I will be very surprised. The Crows’ Mr Fixit, Ben Keays, looms as the perfect option, the right character to play the Tom Cruise role in the Mission Impossible movie. Good luck, Ben. You’ll need it.

IF ..

this is a harsh way to judge this club in this phase of its 36-year AFL life ...

THEN ...

so be it, as this is a win-at-all-costs-industry … the Lions want for nothing, and they need to make the Grand Final this year. 

IF ...

there were raised eyebrows at Tom De Koning being “managed” out of round six ...

THEN ...

there were some dropped jaws when the Blues decided he would be playing VFL this weekend. Badly out of form, though, and shedding thousands of dollars in job offers for 2024 and beyond.

IF ...

Nick Daicos is getting 99 per cent of the headlines THEN

THEN ...

that’s understandable. But Jordan De Goey is equally important to what is unfolding here. Another high-end performance on Anzac Day. The new Dusty when it comes to standing up in the biggest games.

IF ...

Zach Merrett is a huge in for Sunday's game against Geelong ...

THEN ...

Jayden Laverde is a very big out. An important piece of the Bombers' 2023 plans, now absent for two months with an AC joint injury from Anzac Day.

IF ...

I was all-in on this club only seven weeks ago ...

THEN ...

I'm wavering, vigorously, now. It seems shell-shocked, nervous, too scared across all facets of operations to venture into the let's-have-a-crack mindset which took it all the way to a semi-final last year.

IF ...

16 VFL seasons passed between John Coleman’s ton of goals in 1952 and Peter Hudson’s ton in 1968 ...

THEN ...

we’re at similar juncture in the AFL now. Buddy Franklin cracked it in 2008, no one near it since. Jez Cameron (27 goals from six matches) on track in 2023, mathematically at least, not that his coach Chris Scott cares one bit for it.

IF ...

there was one player the struggling Suns could not afford to lose with serious injury ...

THEN ...

it was Touk Miller. The by-title leader, and more importantly its spiritual one, out indefinitely with a knee problem. 

IF ...

the Giants are to going to finally kickstart their 2023 season ...

THEN ...

a win against the backline-less Swans at the SCG on Saturday would be a good starting point. In footy no-man’s land at the moment, this club.

IF ...

the Hawks are to be judged on their ability to rack up self-inflicted public relations disasters ...

THEN ...

they are elite. The Kennett mess. Paying Clarko a million bucks to NOT coach. The disastrous handling of a racism probe. Paying a Brownlow Medallist to play for another club this year. Gunston walking out. And this week’s offering was a doozy. Captain James Sicily bagged the state of Tasmania, which for 15 years has pumped millions and millions of dollars into the Hawthorn Football Club and is in the final stages of a pitch for an AFL licence. Nice one.

IF ...

no one has been more important on-field for Melbourne than Steven May in the past two seasons ...

THEN ...

his form slump this year is a genuine worry. Too good to stay down for too long. But he is 31, and he has played hard on, and sometimes off, field his entire career.

IF ...

the scene looked bright in the first two rounds with wins against the two most disappointing teams to this stage of the season, Fremantle and West Coast ...

THEN ...

it’s been gloomy since. And the Demons at the MCG on Saturday looms as a blackout.

IF ...

footy clubs are at times viewed by outsiders as questionable places of work ...

THEN ...

there are many more times when they should be acknowledged as benchmarks for all professions. The Port Adelaide Football Club is the perfect workplace for Jeremy Finlayson right now as he endures the trauma of his wife’s terminal cancer. That he has played key roles in two big wins (v Swans in round four, West Coast round six) has been a beautiful storyline within this resurgent organisation.

IF ...

on paper Gold Coast on Sunday presents as the much-needed sporting easy-kill ...

THEN ...

in reality it is anything but. There's a reason that only one win has been secured by this team in the opening six rounds – it is not very good.

IF ...

Will Ashcroft and Harry Sheezel are still the frontrunners for the NAB Rising Star trophy ...

THEN ...

Mitch Owens is poised, one out one back in trots parlance. Gets better with every single game, does the basic stuff really well and has got tricks.

IF ...

this is definitely Bud's last season ...

THEN ...

I'd urge everyone to celebrate what's left, even if there's only five and bit cylinders of the once purring eight in the Bud engine. It just won't be the same when he's gone. Has already missed matches this year because of suspension and injury, back for round seven. Swans managed just three points after half-time last weekend against the Cats, his return is much-needed.

IF ...

Richmond, Carlton, North Melbourne, Essendon, Fremantle and Adelaide all have double-up matches against the Eagles ...

THEN ...

how lucky are Richmond, Carlton, North Melbourne, Essendon, Fremantle and Adelaide! What a mess this club has become. The greatest AFL mystery of the past two seasons remains the Eagles’ win against Collingwood last year in Melbourne.

IF ...

The Bont was awarded a best-and-fairest as a 20-year-old in a premiership in 2016, has placed second in a Brownlow and on three other occasions finished in the top eight, and has also secured four All-Australian jackets and four Charlie Sutton Medals ...

THEN ...

he’s a deservedly decorated footballer. In my eyes, still the best midfielder in the comp, second only to Jez Cameron overall. The challengers to his crown have been coming for a few years now, Oliver, Petracca, Cripps, Wines, Neale among them, but he’s still got ‘em all covered.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

the 6-6-6 rule was introduced way back for the start of the 2019 season ...

THEN ...

I have no idea why clubs still get a warning before being free-kicked for breaches of it in 2023. Rules shouldn’t have scope for warnings.