IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

I've wanted to be glass half-full on the Crows ...

THEN ...

that glass, through my four eyes anyway, is now starting to look half-empty. Given the huge talent on every line, it would be a massive waste if they didn't make finals.

IF ..

the stats in matches played at the MCG suggest an unmitigated mess (three wins from the past 20 matches, one win in the past 14) and coach Fages gets himself all worked up when asked about that issue ....

THEN ...

I nevertheless believe the structure and style of the 2023 Lions is actually made for the iconic venue. Reckon they'll beat the Dees on Friday night, with Ashcroft to formally announce himself at footy's home under Friday night lights.

IF ...

Tom De Koning could be outta the Blues at the end of the year ...

THEN ...

he's still got a massive role to play in the last seven matches of 2023. Back for Saturday's game against Port Adelaide. Has the ability to be an X-factor, but still not sure he, or his club, realises it.

IF ...

Carlton didn't require a recognised ruckman last week against Freo's double ruck combo of Darcy and Jackson ...

THEN ...

the Pies probably won't this week, either. Darcy Cameron out. Frampton, Johnson and McStay to shoulder the load.

IF ...

there's no Draper nor Phillips, and Jez Cameron is among the Cats' ins ...

THEN ...

it's going to be a massive slog for the Bombers at the Cattery on Saturday night. But they're up for that task this year. Brad Scott only scratching the surface, too.

IF ...

there were a lot of selection surprises for round 18 teams ...

THEN ...

the inclusion which caused the greatest mouth-opener response may have been Joel Hamling. I'm not proud to admit I thought he was long retired from the AFL. A premiership player as a Dog in game No.23. Then played 62 of a possible 66 matches in 2017-19 as a Docker. No games in 2020. One game (round one) in 2021. One game (round two) in 2022. Back for round 19, 2023 after serious ankle and knee ailments.

IF ...

certain issues in the AFL see normally mild-mannered people lose their minds ...

THEN ...

Geelong playing matches at its home stadium is often high on that list. Cats v Bombers on Saturday night. If I was the Cats, and even if it was purely to amuse themselves, I'd be again publicly mounting the rightful case for a home final.

IF ...

you cared to collate every public word Gold Coast officials had uttered about Stuart Dew and their club in the five and a half years before the week just gone ...

THEN ...

you would have been forgiven for thinking they felt Dew was Ron Barassi reincarnated and that their club was set to win three flags. What a mess of a club. If only those on the board and administration held themselves to the same standards they applied to the former coach. Staggering that chairman Bob East, who has sat on the Suns' board since its AFL competition inception, could dare utter this phrase on the day he announced Dew's sacking: "I want to make it absolutely crystal clear that we are unashamedly holding this club to account at a very high level." Whatever, Bob.

IF ...

the Giants have won four on the trot and Brent Daniels is back for his first game since round 12 ...

THEN ...

it could easily become five. Have hung tough this season. Like what they're setting up for the future.

IF ...

the ladder says it's 16th versus 17th on Sunday at Marvel Stadium ...

THEN ...

Hawks v Roos on paper presents as an even match-up. But with Sicily back, the Hawks couldn't possibly lose. Could they?

IF ...

the Dees have now identified they need another key forward ...

THEN ...

I have no idea why they recruited a gun ruckman last year. Brodie Grundy now being told he needs to "spend time in the VFL and focus on refining his forward craft". Good luck with that. He's a ruckman, not a forward.

IF ...

North in the past three seasons has finished last, last and second last, and currently sits second last ...

THEN ...

it's on track to rival the worst sustained lows of the … wait for it, 1930s, and before that period, the 1920s. What. A. Mess. With no end to that mess in sight.

IF ...

a lot of the focus heading into round 18 against Carlton has been on the seven Power outs, including big names Jason Horne-Francis, Charlie Dixon and Junior Rioli ...

THEN ...

I'm directing my attention to one of the ins. Xavier Duursma. After a really good first two AFL seasons, 2018-19, has been smashed with injury, a knee complaint from round seven the latest problem. One of Kenny's many favourites, and hope that he can carefully curtail some of his silly-courage and become an integral part of a flag push.

IF ...

Tom Lynch is now officially out for the year ...

THEN ...

I'm not as buoyant as I had been about the Tigers' chances of a) making finals, and b) doing damage in finals.

IF ...

on Sunday Ross The Boss declared Max King out for the season ...

THEN ...

on Thursday the official diagnosis was much better. Four to five weeks the new timeframe attached to the latest problem with his shoulder. Saints were able to win without King early in the season, no reason they can’t do so again late.

IF ...

the regular readers of this column have come to know that my favourite people at footy clubs are those with whom you'd love to go to sporting war with ...

THEN ...

John Longmire may be No.1. Never concedes defeat, even in seasons and games where he knows losses are inevitable. In game No.300 as a coach, conjured another win, against the Dogs, without a ruckman, by choice (Tom Hickey was omitted). And his players have always loved him.

IF ...

pride was once a word which defined this football club but hasn't been associated with it in the past two seasons ...

THEN ...

it should be the one non-negotiable for the remaining seven matches. Shuey, Hurn back in for Sunday's match against Richmond. Even when there's nothing else, there should be pride. It was once an Eagles' non-negotiable.

IF ...

the all-time great Bont is putting together yet another extraordinarily brilliant season, and was best afield yet again on Friday night in a loss to the Swans ...

THEN ...

it's also extraordinary that the Dogs, after that loss, could find themselves out of the top eight after round 18. Something is not quite right with the coaching of this club right now. All-Oz possibility Tim English effectively had no opponent and accumulated 60 hitouts. But it meant nothing.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

John Longmire is now at least open to a debate around players being red-carded within games, after his backman Jake Lloyd was felled by Toby Nankervis in round 17 ...

THEN ...

that is a view which needs to be given weight. But it will be going absolutely nowhere. There is no chance the cumbersome AFL judiciary system (umpires-MRO-tribunal-appeals tribunal) could possibly cope with such time pressures. Remember, James Sicily had a round 13 incident officially determined AFTER round 14 had been completed.