1. Hand it to Aker

SO, THOSE humourless duffers out at the Western Bulldogs have put paid to Aker’s grass-kissing victory handstand because they felt it wasn’t the team thing to do. The team thing to do, of course, is to win games, which is something the Doggies didn’t do a lot of last season … but we digress. And would the Bulldogs’ players have tried to ban Pope John Paul II from performing his airport tarmac-kissing? Huh? We digress again.

Surely the real team thing to do would be for all the players to join Aker in his celebration. Throw in the coaching staff – we reckon Rocket would look good upside down – and the trainers and that rather corpulent fellow in the cheer squad, and hey presto. Bonding.

2. Vow of silence

THE AFL is adopting a zero tolerance, take no prisoners, damn the torpedoes, one strike and you’re out type approach to players’ questioning umpiring decisions. And quite right too. There’s nothing less appealing than the sight and sound of a footballer trying to get out the words “please” and “explain” through a mouthguard-filled gob while jumping about distractingly on the mark, especially when cuss words are added.

But given that footy is such a stressful business, how can we help players keep their mouths in check? We reckon it’s time to call in the Trappist monks to offer some lessons on the adoption of a vow of silence. In writing, of course. We’d throw in a vow of poverty as well, but that’s just ridiculous.

3. Brown business

MICK Malthouse certainly doesn’t worry about throwing his young players to the wolves. Or the Lions, as it happens. He says second-gamer Nathan Brown may line-up on Lions co-captain Jonathan Brown this weekend, after making his debut against Matthew Pavlich in round one.

We reckon he could throw in at the same time Richmond’s Nathan Brown, retired Melbourne utility Nathan Brown, St George Illawarra rugby league coach Nathan Brown and US missionary Nathan Brown (1807–1886), and still not stop the big fella. But we digress. If Mick is serious about giving him the opposition’s gun foward, here is young Nathan J Brown’s immediate future, from rounds two to eight: Jonathan Brown, Richo, Fev, Nathan Thompson, Matty Lloyd, Buddy Franklin and Nick Riewoldt. Good luck, mate.

4. Prodigal son

A RATHER Biblical looking G-String … sorry, G-Train has opened up to the AFL Record about his return to football after his mini-retirement. Fraser Gehrig reveals that he could have been yodelling through the valleys of Switzerland, clad in lederhosen and with one of those cow bells around his neck, if he had not decided to resume his footy career.

Last seen on a football field topless and being carried by a group of fit young men, Gehrig will be back on the ground with the Saints against Carlton on Saturday night. Fully clad, although still likely to be cuddled by fit young men at various stages.

What to look for on afl.com.au this Friday

A bevy of coaches

Alastair Clarkson, Brett Ratten, Neil Craig and Mark Williams will all speak to the media. Politely, we’re certain.

Roos bounces back

Check out Paul Roos’ regular column

The bag match

And, later on, full coverage of the Brisbane Lions versus Collingwood clash from the Gabba.